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Eve Sumptor

~ The Sessions

Tag Archives: control

Session Sixteen

06 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

abuse, Adam, Bella, bisexual, cheating, confessions, control, Eve, Eve Sumptor-Riley, evil, fear, feelings, guilt, hurt, Lainey, lesbian, love, pansexual, therapy, truth, Woodrow

“Eve?”

I stand up straight, pushing away from my Lexus. “Hello, Doc. I’m sorry for ambushing you like this.” I have been waiting for the doctor in the parking lot of her office building for the past thirty minutes. It’s not the most orthodox way of getting a session in, but . . .

“It’s all right.” Dr. Woodrow points behind her. “Would you like to go inside?”

“No.” My voice is a little firmer than I intend. “Sorry, I’ve been feeling a bit closed in lately. Would you mind talking to me out here?” I lift my face to the star-filled sky. It’s a chilly night, but not unbearably so.

Dr. Woodrow checks her watch, and not for the first time I wonder if I’ve made a good decision coming here. It’s late and I’m sure the good doc has more important things to do than to stay here and talk to me.

“Of course. There’s a bench right around the corner. We can sit there if you want?” She leads the way and sits, waiting patiently for me to do the same.

“I’m sorry . . .” I begin again, but she stops me.

“Eve, whatever it is that’s on your mind must be important for you to be here at all. I’m available anytime for you, you know that.”

She stays quiet after that and I suppose she’s waiting for me to get to the reason I’m here. Fleetingly, I wonder what she’s going to do without her trusty notebook. How will I know if what I’m saying is bothersome to her?

“I’m going crazy.” The doc raises her eyebrow at my word and I smile apologetically. “Poor choice of words even if I do feel exactly that way.”

“Why do you feel you’re going crazy?” She reaches into her purse and pulls out a damned notebook.

“Do you always walk around with one of those things?”

“I find they come in handy. You know, just in case a patient is waiting for me in the parking lot and refuses to come inside.” She smiles warmly.

I know she’s kidding me, but being called a patient makes me cringe. Intellectually, I know there’s nothing wrong with needing help. Unfortunately, I’m not being very intellectual at the moment. My heart is winning over everything else. Which brings me to why I’m here.

“I need to talk about my last session,” I blurt out unceremoniously.

“I’m surprised it took you this long.”

I think one of the reasons I like Dr. Woodrow so much is because she’s unconventional. I can pretend that we’re old friends sitting out here having a normal conversation.

“Yeah, well, I had homework to do.”

“The being alone and thinking,” Woodrow nods. “I had a feeling that would be difficult for you.”

“For years, I thought I didn’t have a heart, Dr. Woodrow. Those men who hurt me stole that from me. Then, I meet Adam and I start to feel something. I didn’t allow myself to give in because no matter how nice he was to me, I just never felt I could completely be myself with him. He has this image of me, as most people do, and I strive to be that person for him.”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Then, I meet Lainey. God, it was so easy with her. She never expected anything of me. And, maybe that’s because she knew how it felt, being a wife and mother who everyone expected things from. I don’t know. I just know there wasn’t a moment when I felt I couldn’t be me. Oh, I wanted to resist getting close to her. I couldn’t. I knew that what I was feeling was more than just friendship. Seeing the way she looked at me, I knew she could feel it, too. It suddenly became a need to be close to her.”

“Do you think Lainey being a woman has anything to do with the way you feel?”

“You mean because it was men who hurt me?”

“Precisely.”

“That was one of the things I thought about. With my heart, I might add. I have been pulling at every little thread trying to figure out why I’m hurting Adam.”

“And?” Dr. Woodrow prompts when I pause.

“No, I honestly don’t think that’s it. I don’t see Adam as someone who can hurt me. Not like they did.”

“May I ask you a few questions?”

“Isn’t that your job?” I smirk, and she smiles back.

“Part of it. Is Lainey the only woman you’ve been attracted to?”

“Yes.”

Woodrow writes something in her notebook and I resist rolling my eyes like a sullen teenager.

“Do you love Adam?”

“Yes.”

“Are you in love with Adam?”

My answer isn’t as quick this time and she writes again.

“Should I take your non-answer as an answer?” she asks kindly.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “I thought I was. I thought that by letting Lainey go — in that way — I was doing the right thing. For both of us. What if I was wrong?”

“Well, I can’t say you were wrong in your decision that you made then.”

“What can you say?”

“I can say that when I asked you a few sessions back if you were in love with Lainey, you said yes,” she answers matter-of-factly.

“So, I should divorce my husband, leave my daughter, and whisk Lainey away from her family? What are you writing?” I ask as she scribbles something in her notebook.

“What about this notebook bothers you so much?”

“Every time I say something wrong, you write.”

“What makes you think what you said is wrong?”

I stand abruptly and start pacing. All of this shrink back and forth is frustrating me.

“I can’t do what I just said! That’s what makes it wrong! Cheating is wrong! Being in love with someone who belongs to someone else is wrong!” I stop and look at her pleadingly. I’m breathing heavily, and my entire body is shaking. “I’m not a bad person, Doc. I just fell in love with the right person at the wrong time.”

“I know you’re not a bad person, Eve. Nor is Lainey.” She stands and takes a step towards me. “The thing about love is it’s never predictable. Both you and Lainey have circumstances that may be factors in what has transpired between you two.”

“You still think this has to do with men hurting me.”

“No. What I mean is, from what I’ve learned from Lainey, Jack is her first, and only, before you. They met when she was young, and she’s been with him ever since.”

“So, she’s sowing her oats with me?”

“Eve.”

My mom used to say my name like that when I was being a brat. I felt the same way then that I do now. Like a chastised little girl.

“She’s not ‘sowing her oats’. But, perhaps, when she met you she discovered there was someone else out there who could capture her heart. That doesn’t make her a bad person. It makes her human. As for you,” she continues. “You grew up so fast, and yet, in a way, you remained a child.”

I frown. “I don’t understand.”

“The things that happened to you, should never happen to anyone at any age. Having gone through it at such a youthful age, you were forced to grow up. But, you never went through the normal phases of a relationship. Adam was nice to you and you weren’t used to that. So, you held on to that. Now, I’m not saying that what you feel or felt for him isn’t real. It undoubtedly is. But, you weren’t able to explore your feelings more in-depth as a woman.”

“So, Lainey and I are exploring?”

Dr. Woodrow sighed. “You can be extremely hard-headed sometimes. You continually want to hear what makes you look bad. What I’m actually saying is that each of you found someone in each other that you’re completely comfortable being yourselves with. In doing that, you both found something you might have been missing in your lives.”

“Then why did we make the decision we made to stay apart?” That was the question that was constantly in my head. If I loved Lainey so much, why did I marry Adam? Why did I have Bella? Did I know deep down that Lainey would never leave Jack because of her sons? Did I want what she had, only since I couldn’t have it with her, I chose the next best thing? If that was true, what kind of person did that make me? And, how in the hell am I supposed right my wrong? The thought of hurting Adam, of breaking up my daughter’s home, kills me.

“I can only assume, Eve.”

“Assume, please.”

“It’s what you both know. Lainey has been with Jack for close to twenty years. They have two sons. How daunting it must be to change your entire life after so long. And, you are as selfless as you are self-deprecating. You’re willing to give up what you truly want if you think it will make those you care about happy.”

“Are we talking about Lainey or Adam?”

“Both.”

I sit back down, not trusting my legs to keep me upright anymore. “Am I a lesbian?”

“I don’t think we need a label, Eve. Love is love.”

I chuckle. “Spoken like a true advocate.”

She smiles at me. “As you know, my niece Rebecca is a lesbian. That’s what she has always identified as. I have no problem with labels, Eve. I just don’t think we need one in your case. But if it helps you, I’d say either bisexual or pansexual.”

“Hmm. I guess I have more homework to do.”

“I can give you pamphlets.”

It’s the sparkle in her eyes that gives her away. “I wouldn’t have been surprised if you did have pamphlets,” I laugh. It hits me then that I’ve laughed more in the past thirty minutes than I had all weekend. “What am I going to do?”

She sighs and sits next to me. “What did your heart tell you?”

“That I’m in trouble.” I shake my head. “They deserve so much better,” I murmur.

“What about you? What do you deserve, Eve?”

“I don’t think you want me to answer that right now.” I stand again. “I’ve scratched and clawed my way out of hell, doc. I’ve been beaten, raped, shot. Yet, I’m still here. Against all odds, I’ve become a very successful woman. I have galleries all over the world, businesses that flourish, more money than I will probably ever need, and a beautiful family. The one thing that brings me to my knees is love. Fucking love. I’ve fought my demons and won. But how in the hell do I fight something I can’t see, change, or control?”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t be fighting it.”

“Right,” I scoff. “Just keep on like we are. More of Paris. Marriages be damned.”

“Eve, I’m not advocating cheating. In fact, I would normally say cheaters are selfish and cruel.” Ouch. “But, your situation is different.”

“Why? Because we’re women?”

“No. Because you’re not purposefully trying to hurt others. In fact, you’re fighting so hard not to hurt others that you’re hurting yourselves.”

“Doesn’t make it right.”

“No, it doesn’t. And, that’s something the two of you will have to come to terms with. My point is, you’re so focused on that aspect of it that you’re ignoring everything else. I won’t deny that this is a severely complicated situation. But it is my job as your therapist to get you to think about yourself and what makes you happy.”

“I’m in this mess because I only thought about myself.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” I confess softly. “Why couldn’t I leave her alone?”

“Vilifying yourself won’t help. And you can’t keep taking away Lainey’s accountability for her actions. I realize many may see you as irresistible, but you didn’t force her to be with you. She chose that.” She reaches out and takes my hand. A move that surprises me more than a little. “You’re scared, and I get that. You’re not used to putting yourself out there. I think you’re feeling extra pressure now because I’ve tasked both you and Lainey to think about what your hearts want. As much as you know she loves you, you can’t be sure her heart will choose you.”

My eyes flutter shut as I feel my stomach drop. “Guess I should stop referring to you as a quack,” I joke. Suddenly uncomfortable, I pull my hand back. “And if that’s what happens?”

“Fear is never an effective way to live life, Eve.”

I shake my head. “Such a psychiatrist response.”

“As much as I would like to help you, I can’t make your decisions for you.” She holds her hand up before I can speak. “There are no negotiations on that, Eve. But I can be here for you — for both of you — no matter what those decisions are.”

If my mother were still alive, I think she would be like Dr. Willamena Woodrow. Caring, yet firm. Always there when needed. The thought saddens me even more and I realize how tired I am. An exhaustion that no amount of sleep will help. Tired of always fighting to be happy. Sometimes I wonder just how far my strength will stretch.

“I need to go. You can bill me for this,” I say suddenly. I see a flash of disappointment in the doctor’s eyes and I soften my tone. “Thank you for talking to me out here. I apologize for disrupting your night.”

“No need to apologize. The good thing about bubble baths and wine is they’re always there no matter what time I need them.”

I give her a genuine smile. “That sounds like heaven right about now.”

“It does, doesn’t it? Should I give it to you as homework?”

“Don’t ruin it!” I chuckle. “I think I need to spend some time with my daughter. She brings light to my world in a time when I need it most.”

“I think that sounds perfect.” She takes her keys out of her purse. “I want you to remember that I’m available anytime.”

“I will, thank you.”

“Eve? One more thing. I know you probably can’t imagine this right now, but perhaps it would be a good thing for you to talk to Adam about this.”

My eyebrows shoot upwards. “Are you crazy?”

“Wouldn’t that be something?” she laughs. “But I’m pretty sure there’s a clause somewhere in some legal mumbo jumbo that says therapists can’t be crazy.”

“Perhaps you’ve found a loophole,” I counter jokingly.

“Perhaps,” she shrugs with a smirk. “But, in this case, I believe it might help you.”

“Because he’ll divorce me and take my daughter away which leaves me completely available to ruin Lainey’s life?”

The doc shakes her head. “You’re not a villain, Eve. I will keep telling you that until you get it through your head.”

“You may want to save your voice by recording it,” I suggest. “Listen, I’m capable of many things, Doc, but talking to Adam about this isn’t one of those things.”

“You must be aware that your feelings are changing for him. I can only imagine he’s aware of it as well. No matter what decisions you make, he needs to know how you feel.”

“I’m not ready for that.”

She nods. “All right. Keep it in mind?”

“If I can find the room for it up there, I will do just that.” No promises, I add silently. “I get it, okay? I’m not being fair to him and that kills me. But, I’m in no hurry to devastate him even more than I already have.”

“Like I said earlier, Eve, it is my job to help you think of yourself in these situations. With that said, I’m not here to pressure you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with.”

I laugh. “That’s all you’ve done by making me talk, Doc.” I hold up my hands before she can respond. “Work in progress, Dr. Woodrow.”

“As long as you remember to progress, Eve.”

“Such a shrink.”

“That’s what it says on my doorplate,” she winks. “Go home and hug that beautiful daughter of yours.” She looks as though she has something more to ask, but apparently changes her mind. Perhaps she can sense I’ve had all I can handle for the night. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful for the reprieve. “I expect you back here regularly.”

“I’m doing my best. Goodnight, Doctor. Enjoy your night of relaxation.”

“Goodnight, Eve.”

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Session Thirteen

29 Saturday Nov 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam, affair, confessions, control, Eve, Eve Sumptor-Riley, guilt, Lainey, love, therapy

“Are you ready for this?”

I glance at Lainey, my hand resting on the door knob of Dr. Woodrow’s office.

“As I’ll ever be,” she replies softly. I can see the trepidation in her face, the slight tremble in her hand.

“Hey.” I turn to her, lifting her chin until she’s looking at me. “You don’t have to do this, Lainey.”

“I want to, Eve. For you.” She took my hand in hers, squeezing it slightly before releasing it. “For me, too.”

I know this is hurting her. If the quick release of my hand wasn’t a good indication, the tension that is radiating from her certainly is. We both feel guilty about the feelings we have for each other. I also think that she’s scared that these sessions are going to change how I feel for her. Or vice versa. It’s a confusing situation, feeling guilty but not wanting to lose that closeness. As Lainey told me once before, it’s like being bipolar. I give her a small smile, and open the door.

“Good evening, Eve,” Dr. Woodrow greeted. Her eyes widen a little with surprise when she sees Lainey step in as I hold the door open for her. “Lainey.” The doctor stands, greeting Lainey by offering her hand. “It’s so nice to have you joining us tonight.”

“Dr. Woodrow, it’s nice to finally meet you. Formally.” Lainey smiled politely, shaking the doc’s hand briefly.

Dr. Woodrow slanted me a look, and I shrugged. I hadn’t told her that Lainey was coming along. Of course, I hadn’t been sure if Lainey actually would come with me. She had been agreeable when I first asked her, but when it came time, she was hesitant.

“Let’s have a seat,” Woodrow suggests, and I see Lainey hesitate, then settle in beside me. Dr. Woodrow obviously saw the hesitation as well. “Are you nervous to be here, Lainey?”

“A little.”

It unnerved me that Lainey was so timid. It reminded me of how she was when we first met. Though she would often find the courage to let me know exactly what she thinks, the reality was that Lainey had been painfully modest. It was only after our . . . affair that she found her confidence. She wasn’t showing any of that confidence here in Dr. Woodrow’s office.

“Lainey . . . ”

“Eve,” she interrupts me. “I want to be here. I told you that. It’s just a little intimidating. Just give me a moment to get adjusted.”

Well, she found a little bit of that spirit. I’m thankful for that. I nod, noticing that Dr. Woodrow is watching the exchange intently.

“I would like to start by making an observation while you ‘adjust’,” the doctor said to Lainey, who nodded in return. “Just this small interaction has told me a lot about your relationship with each other.”

I glance at Lainey who blushes. Involuntarily my mind notes how cute she looks when she blushes, and I close my eyes, chastising myself for that thought.

“Eve?”

“What did this interaction tell you,” I ask quickly to avoid the question I knew she had for me.

Dr. Woodrow watched me for a moment, then nodded. “Well, you had mentioned to me that you felt more control when you were with Lainey.” Lainey’s head pops up at that, and she looks at me with a mixture of amusement and confusion.

“Control?”

“Um. Yeah, well . . . ” Good lord! Why do I suddenly feel like a scolded child?

“Because of my inexperience?” Lainey asked, turning towards me with complete interest.

“I’m not sure what it was. Perhaps it was that.”

“But I pursued you.”

I laughed softly. “You did not. I pursued you!”

“No . . . ” she trailed off when she saw my brow lift. “Fine, but I let you.”

It might have been the defiant little lift of the head, or perhaps the bold statement of ‘letting’ me pursue her. Whatever it was, it made me laugh. A loud, hearty laugh that I hadn’t had in a while. Lainey frowned at me, and Dr. Woodrow looked at me curiously.

“You let your guard down so much with Lainey,” the doctor said softly after I finished laughing. “But with Adam, you are constantly trying to be that woman everyone who meets you believes you are. Why?”

And, there goes any joy I just felt. “Isn’t that what I’m here to figure out?” I asked irritably.

“Eve.”

I turn my glare on Lainey, only to have it soften when I saw her concern. Protective. I’m protective of Lainey. But I don’t want to be protected. I want to know I can protect myself. Lainey isn’t fragile, but she has a vulnerability about her, and it brings out my protective side. There’s nothing like that with Adam. He’s self-sufficient, self-confident, strong and he would fight for me until his dying breath. Is that what I’m afraid of?

“So much just went through your head. I can only help you if you tell me, Eve.”

“I don’t want to be protected,” I said simply, as though it answered all questions.

To my surprise, the doc nodded, and scribbled a note in her notebook. “And, with Adam you feel like the protected and not like the protector that you feel with Lainey?”

Damn. Doc was good at her job. “Yes.”

“You feel like my protector?” Lainey asked warily. “Is that why you? Why we?”

I could tell Lainey was getting irritated, not able to articulate what she was feeling.

“We had an affair because we felt . . . feel something for each other, Lainey,” I reassured her softly. “It wasn’t because I wanted to conquer you, or whatever you thought when you heard the word protector. Yes, I feel that way. I want to shield you . . . ”

“I don’t need you to protect me, Eve.”

“I know you don’t, but I can’t change how I feel. Obviously.” I sigh. “I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in my head, so this is all as new to me as it is to you.”

Lainey’s eyes softened, and she reached over to place her hand over mine. “I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “Don’t be. We need to be able to express ourselves freely here, right?” My question was directed at Dr. Woodrow, and she nods. “I just don’t think there’s one thing that attracted me to you. Still attracts me to you. And, I know you feel just as guilty as I do about our feelings for each other.”

Lainey nodded sadly. “It’s not fair to Jack. Or Adam.” She turns to Dr. Woodrow. “Is that what’s blocking Eve’s creativity? Her feelings for me?”

I wonder briefly why she didn’t ask me, but if I know Lainey – and, I like to think I know her very well – she’ll think that I would give her any answer that spares her any kind of responsibility for my problems.

“Lainey, I believe there’s a myriad of matters that are blocking Eve’s creativity,” the doc answered carefully.

“That doesn’t really answer my question, does it?”

That’s my Lainey. I waited for the guilt to hit me after that thought, but it didn’t. Perhaps it was because it wasn’t a sexual thought. Lainey is my best friend, and will always be important to me.

“I suppose it doesn’t,” Dr. Woodrow admitted with a smile. “All of Eve’s feelings are what is blocking her.”

“So, yes.”

“Lainey, honey, it’s not you.” Okay, honestly the endearment just slipped out. “It’s not you, it’s not Adam. It’s me.” I slip off my chair, kneeling in front of her. “I love you. I will always love you. I don’t know how to stop that, or if I even want to.” My heart breaks a little when a tear slides down her cheek. “You were the one who showed me that I was worth being loved. Could Adam have done that? Perhaps, if I had let him in enough. But I wasn’t able to open myself up. Until you. So, for that, I will always be grateful. And, I will always be protective of you, love you. I don’t want to feel guilty for that, but it hurts Adam.”

“I know,” she whispered softly. “It must be harder for you because Adam knows. Jack doesn’t know. He doesn’t hurt from this. But you know I never want to hurt Adam. Knowing that I am, or that I’m part of the reason . . . knowing that you’re hurting . . . ” She paused to take a deep breath. “I love you, too, Eve. But I also understand how much you’re in love with Adam. Do you hear me, Eve? I understand. And, if you need me to step back . . . ”

“No!” I grip her hands. “I don’t want you to step back. It was the possibility of losing you forever that started this chaos in my head.” I stopped, as I realized that was the first time I had come to that conclusion.

“Eve? Did you just have a breakthrough?” the doctor asked curiously.

“I guess I did.”

“Would you like to talk about when that chaos started?”

I glance at Lainey. I haven’t told her exactly what happened when Adam was taken. I didn’t tell her how I had to stand in front of my bloodied and battered husband, his life on the line, and confess to what happened with Lainey. I haven’t told her about how Laurence had tried to force me to kill the man that I love.

“Maybe you should wait until next time when you have a one on one session,” Lainey suggested knowingly.

I squeeze her hand in gratitude.

“I think you’re right,” Dr. Woodrow agreed. “We’re close to our time, as it is. I would like to see the two of you again, if you both agree.”

I stand, taking a step back. “Yes, I think that would be good.”

Lainey nodded. “I’ll do whatever I can to help. If having me here does that, I’ll be here.”

“Good.” Dr. Woodrow smiles at both of us, standing to say our goodbyes. “I hope you both have a good night.”

“I’m surprised, doc. No homework?” I tease.

She chuckled, as did Lainey. “My homework for both of you is to go home to your husbands, try to forget all of this guilt nonsense,” she laughed again at my raised eyebrow. “Yes, I think it’s nonsense. We can’t help how we feel, just how we react to it. You two have done nothing to be guilty about, have you?”

Lainey and I glanced at each other. “No,” we answer together. It’s not that we haven’t thought about it, or at least I have. But I know I’d never hurt Adam like that again. I hope.

“Then go home,” the doc continued. “Forget the guilt, and try to relax. Eve, if you really need homework, try to flesh out your breakthrough.”

“Hmm. Perhaps I’ll just relax with my husband and daughter.” I smile, noting that I even feel a twinge of guilt talking about my husband in front of Lainey. Damn. This situation may very well be the death of me. After everything I’ve been through, it’s love that breaks me.

“Very well. Next time we’ll also discuss what just went through your head.”

The good doctor misses nothing. I just nod, and tell her goodnight. Once we were outside the office, I turn to Lainey.

“Thank you.”

Lainey smiled, leaning in to hug me. “You’re welcome.”

I take a second – just a second – to enjoy Lainey’s arms around me. Then step back once again. “Goodnight,” I whisper.

“Goodnight, Eve.”

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Session Twelve

23 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam, control, Eve, Eve Sumptor-Riley, kiss, Lainey, love, love making, sex, therapy, Woodrow

“Good evening, Eve. Adam, it’s nice to see you again.”

I watch as Dr. Woodrow accepts a kiss on the cheek from Adam as I settle in my seat. I haven’t opened my mouth, yet. I’m almost afraid of what will come out. Dr. Woodrow’s gaze shifted from Adam to me and back again. I have no doubt that she can feel the tension that is thick in the air.

“Please, take a seat,” she instructs Adam, sitting in her normal spot, picking up her notebook. “I can’t help but notice there’s some strain between you two. How about we talk about that.”

I feel Adam’s eyes on me, but I refuse to look at him. And, as childish as it is, I remain quiet.

“Eve is upset with me,” Adam sighs. I almost snort a not so nice rebuff, but I don’t.

“Would you like to tell me why, Eve?” The doc watches me for a moment before raising a questioning eyebrow. “Would you like to tell me about it?” she asks Adam.

“I would if I knew.”

“Seriously?!” Yes, that was my first word. Spoken with so much irritation that both of Dr. Woodrow’s eyebrows shot up into her hairline. I turn to Dr. Woodrow. “Ask him what he did when I tried talking to him about our sex life. Like you told me!”

“Adam?”

Adam actually had the good sense to look sheepish and contrite. I wonder if he really thinks he was wrong, or if he just doesn’t like being called out by the ‘principal’.

“We had an argument. I tried being what she needed me to be. I tried . . . ”

“I need you to be you, Adam! I don’t need you to change!”

“If I were all that you needed you wouldn’t have these feelings for Lainey,” he says quietly, though I can plainly hear the accusation in the words.

I stare at him for a moment, afraid to say anything that I’m quite sure I’ll regret later. The best thing I can think to do is walk out. So, I get up and head for the door.

“Eve?” My hand freezes on the doorknob at the doctor’s voice. “Leaving isn’t the answer.”

“With all due respect, doc, leaving may be the best answer right now,” I counter.

“I’m asking that you stay and talk this out. That’s why we’re here.”

I take a deep, cleansing breath before acquiescing. I sit back down, back ram-rod straight, and cross my legs as well as my arms. Totally defensive posture, I know. And, exactly what I’m going for.

“I didn’t mean that, beautiful.”

“Yes you did.”

“No, I didn’t. I just don’t understand. First you say I’m too dominate, now I’m too . . . what is it? Sweet?”

“That’s not what I said, Adam! You’re misunderstanding everything that I said to you.”

“I don’t think I am. You used the dominate excuse for your reason to . . . ”

“I’m going to stop you, Adam,” Dr. Woodrow interjects. “I understand that this can be extremely confusing for you. Both of you. However, instead of jumping to your own conclusions, I think it’s best if we discuss this in a rational manner.”

Adam nods, as do I.

“Eve? Would you like to explain to Adam what you meant?”

I bite back the sigh that’s fighting to get out. I’ve tried explaining this to Adam for the past week. Ever since he got pissy about me saying something about our lovemaking.

“He thinks . . . ”

Dr. Woodrow raises a hand to stop me. “Talk to Adam, not me,” she says gently.

This time I couldn’t hold back the sigh. I turn in my seat and face my husband.

“Adam.” I pause, trying to figure out my words. “When you were here with me and you asked why I was with Lainey, I told you it was because I felt more control with her. I didn’t mean just . . . sexually. And, I certainly wasn’t complaining when I said you were dominate. I love how you are with me. I love when you lose control. Adam, I never wanted you to change the way you make love with me.”

“Then why, Eve? Why Lainey?”

“I don’t know!” I run my hand through my hair, jumping out of my seat to pace. “Don’t you think I would stop these feelings if I knew how? Jesus, Adam, I can’t fucking paint. I’m hurting you, and that’s killing me!”

Adam stands and steps into my path, wrapping his arms tightly around me. The gesture annoys me at first, as I want to just run away and lose myself in my art. Then I remember I can’t, and I’m even more annoyed. When Adam’s arms tighten even more, I lose that annoyance and feel guilt and sorrow flowing through me. To my utter embarrassment, my breath hitches on a sob. If that wasn’t bad enough for me, my legs give out and Adam sinks to the floor with me, rocking me gently.

“It’s okay, beautiful,” he murmurs close to my ear. “I’ve got you.”

If I could stop crying, I would in a heartbeat. I feel so vulnerable and weak as uncontrollable sobs rack my body. I remember the last time I cried like this. It was when I lied to Lainey, saying she meant nothing to me, and told Adam we were over. I wonder if Woodrow would give me a prescription. Just something to get rid of this pain inside. No, Eve. Don’t think like that. That part of your life is over.

After a moment, my vision cleared enough to see that Dr. Woodrow had joined us on the floor and was currently holding a box of Kleenex out to me.

“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from crying.

“I know you don’t like feeling like this, Eve. But this was good for you,” she says softly.

I wonder if my glare is as intimidating when I have red, puffy eyes. This certainly doesn’t feel like it’s good for me.

“It doesn’t feel good, I know, but it is.” There she goes again, reading my damn mind.

“I hate this,” I whisper.

“I’m so sorry, beautiful. I should’ve listened better.”

“Don’t do that, Adam. You can’t take all of the blame for this.” God, I wish my voice wasn’t so weak. “I can’t explain it to myself, how can I possibly explain it to you?”

“Eve, I handled this all wrong. I let my ego replace my good sense, and I hurt you because of it.”

Dr. Woodrow still sat next to us – on the floor – but said nothing. I suppose she’s letting us work it out ourselves.

“I never meant to bruise your ego, baby. I only tried to explain that I didn’t need you to change.” I lift my hand to his cheek. “I love you the way you are. I love the way you make love to me. None of that has ever been a problem.” I pause again when I remember a conversation I once had with Lainey. “I once told Lainey that she was ‘safe’ for me.”

Adam frowned. “Meaning?”

“Meaning I knew neither of us could give ourselves fully to one another. I knew she is in love with her husband, and I’m in love with you. But I didn’t know how to give myself to you. I was able to open myself up to Lainey because I knew her life belonged to someone else.”

“But I thought you told me she almost left her husband for you.”

I shake my head. “No. She thought maybe she wanted that, but I knew it wouldn’t happen.”

“So, why did that make it easier for you?”

I shrug. “I don’t really know. Perhaps because I knew there wasn’t a chance that I could lose myself with her.” I look to Dr. Woodrow for confirmation, and she nods.

“Do you feel like that with me? That you could lose yourself?”

“I do lose myself with you. In you. That’s not a bad thing, but at the time, it scared the shit out of me.”

“And, your feelings for Lainey are the way they are because she was the first one that you allowed yourself to be open with?” Adam asks, and to my surprise, there wasn’t reproach only curiosity.

I shrug again.

“If I may?” Dr. Woodrow cuts in, then continues when I nod. “It took a lot for Eve to be honest about her past. In order for her to be able to do that, she had to have immense trust in that person, as well as a feeling of complete safety. Please don’t take this as an insult to how Eve felt about you. Truth of the matter is, Eve’s feelings for you were too strong for her at the time. That, coupled with her fear that she wasn’t good enough for you, caused her to back away from you.”

“Did you not feel that with Lainey?”

I sigh. “What I feel for Lainey is strong, but my love for you eclipses anything I’ve ever known. It’s overwhelming sometimes. In a good way,” I add hastily. “Don’t change because you think it’ll change the way I feel for Lainey. I have to work that out on my own. But I don’t want what I feel for you to change. Love me the way you always have. With passion, baby.”

Adam lowers his forehead to mine. “It scared me when you wanted to talk to me about our love making. I felt inadequate, no matter what I did, I felt like it wasn’t enough.”

“I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to feel that way. I should’ve been more clear.”

He leans forward, brushing his lips to mine. Forgetting where we were, I deepen the kiss, feeling that oh so wonderful feeling of arousal.

“Ahem. I think that this would be a good place to stop for tonight,” Dr. Woodrow states, standing up. “At least my part in it,” she chuckles.

Adam laughs as well, and, I’m blushing again. “Sorry,” I murmur.

Adam stands, reaching his hand out to mine, helping me up. He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him. “We needed this, Dr. Woodrow. Thank you.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” she smiles. “Just remember that stubbornness and ego do not help the situation.” She looks pointedly at both of us. Apparently I’m the stubborn one. “You two can choose whether the next session will be together or just Eve.”

“Thank you,” I tell her, walking to the door. I stop when I hear her call my name.

“A session with Lainey would help as well,” she reminds me.

I feel Adam stiffen for a moment, before relaxing against me again. I nod to her, glancing at Adam. When he winks at me, I know he’s okay, and we’re on our way home to finish what we started. I hope he is in the mood to go back to the way he was before. I know I certainly am.

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Session Ten

11 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam, betrayal, confessions, control, Eve, guilt, Lainey, love, safe

“Adam, it’s so nice to see you, again.” Dr. Woodrow took Adam’s hand as he leaned in to kiss her gently on the cheek.

“It’s good to see you, Dr. Woodrow.” His deep voice reverberates through me, even though he’s speaking softly. I’ve always loved my husband’s voice. I find it soothing, not to mention incredibly sexy.

“Hello, Eve.”

I give the doctor a small smile. It’s all I can muster up at the moment since I don’t trust my voice. I’m always nervous when I come here, but having Adam here intensifies that nervousness tenfold. Adam sits next to me, immediately grasping my hand, and begins rubbing my knuckles with his thumb.

The silence is uncomfortable to me, but I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m certainly not going to be the one spilling my guts first. I see Dr. Woodrow watch me for a while, scribble something in that damn notebook, and then turn to Adam.

“Do you know why I asked you to come here, Adam?”

Great. Perfect way to start the conversation by making me feel guilty for not discussing this in more detail with Adam. But honestly? What would I have said?

“Eve didn’t say much about it, just that you wanted to see both me and Lainey.”

Now, it could have just been my imagination, but I could have sworn that Adam’s voice shook as he mentioned Lainey’s name.

“I had no idea what to say,” I defend myself, irritably. “I told you that she wanted to speak with us together because that’s what she said.”

“I didn’t mean anything by that, beautiful. I was just answering the question honestly.” He squeezes my hand gently before turning back to the doctor. “I’m willing to discuss anything you think would help.”

I instantly regret my little outburst. He’s here trying to help me, and all I can do is be a bitch.

“Eve?” Crap. “Would you like to tell Adam why you asked Lainey about these sessions first?”

Uh, no! Sigh. “Can’t you?” Yes, I’m being childish, and that only serves to piss me off more. This isn’t who I am! After everything I’ve been through in my life, I’ve learned to be strong. Why do I feel so vulnerable with Adam here? And, why does it scare me so much to have him see me that way?

Dr. Woodrow stares at me for a long moment, and writes more in her notebook. “I saw a lot of emotions on your face just then, Eve. Why don’t you say what you just felt out loud?”

Wow. She really is trying to destroy me. Okay, so I know she’s not, but it sure as hell feels like it right now.

“I don’t like feeling vulnerable,” I whisper low enough that Adam had to lean closer to hear me.

“Eve. You’re safe here. No one in this room wants to hurt you,” Dr. Woodrow says softly. “Adam wants to help. Look at him and tell him how you feel.”

I consider giving the good doctor a death stare, but decide against it since she’s in no way intimidated by me. Hell, if I met the “me” in here, I wouldn’t be intimidated either. So, I turn to my husband, seeing nothing but compassion and love in his eyes.

“This isn’t who you fell in love with. This shell of a woman that can’t paint, who isn’t strong, and is scared all the time. I didn’t want you to come here because I didn’t want you to see me this way. I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what, beautiful?” Adam’s eyes are glimmering with unshed tears. It reminds me that the last time I saw him cry was when he found out I had betrayed him.

“Afraid that you won’t love this person,” I barely whisper.

Adam drops to his knees in front of me. “Eve, do you think my love for you is that superficial?”

He pauses long enough for me to answer, so I shake my head.

“When we got married and I said my vows, I meant every one of them. For better or worse. I love you unconditionally, beautiful. When you’re strong, I’ll stand beside you. If you need help, I’ll be there to hold you. Let me in, Eve. Please?”

A tear slides down my cheek and he lovingly brushes it away with his thumb.

“I’m so sorry.” My voice breaks and I fight to control the sob I know wants to get loose. “I don’t mean to shut you out, I just . . . ”

“You just find it easier to be open with Lainey?”

To my surprise, I don’t hear any accusation or resentment in his voice. I shrug.

“And, is that why you . . . had the affair?” Now I hear the hurt, and it tears me apart.

I don’t know how to answer that question. How do I tell my husband that I’m inexplicably drawn to someone else, even though I love him with all my heart? Hell, even I don’t understand it.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

He studies me for a minute, then nods. “I can’t say that I enjoy seeing how close you still are with Lainey, beautiful. It makes me feel like an outsider sometimes. And, I’ll admit that I sometimes feel insecure, and untrusting.”

“I haven’t slept with her!” I tell him hastily. “I swear!”

“But you still think about her that way,” he says sadly. “I can see it. I’m trying to understand, Eve.”

“May I say something,” Dr. Woodrow interjects. When Adam sat back in his chair to face her, she continued. “From what I’ve been able to determine, Eve is as confused with her feelings as you are, Adam. She knows she loves you, and that she doesn’t want to hurt you. But, if I may, she feels a certain kind of protection from Lainey.” She quickly raises her hand when Adam begins to speak. “I’m not saying she doesn’t feel safe with you. I’m saying that she is able to let down these barriers with Lainey because Eve feels in control in that relationship.”

My brow furrows as I listen to the doctor. Do I feel control with Lainey? I am the one who pursued her. Adam pursued me. Lainey was the inexperienced one with me. Adam taught me what making love really was, and all the different ways to do it.

“Because she’s a woman?” Adam asks.

“No,” I answer. “I’ve been hurt by a woman.” I thought of how Madame Bussiere used to treat me. Use me. Beat me. “It’s because of who she is, and our dynamic. With you and me, you’re more dominant.”

“So I shouldn’t be that way?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying, baby. Look,” I sigh and run my hand through my blonde hair. “I’m not really clear on all of this, yet. It’s just, something clicked with me when Dr. Woodrow said what she said.”

Adam looked at the doctor. “I would like to come back to discuss this further. Can I do that?”

Wow. That hurt. These are my sessions, and yet he doesn’t ask me how I feel about him coming to more of them. That control thing really does have some relevance.

“You should ask Eve that question,” Dr. Woodrow admonishes gently.

He looks downright contrite as he turns to me again. “Damn. I should have asked you. I’m so sorry, beautiful. Forgive me?”

I nod silently.

“May I come back, Eve? I really would like to explore this further. And, if I’m doing something that makes you shut me out, I would like to change that. Please, baby?”

“I think that would be good,” I answer softly.

He grins that lopsided grin I love so much. “Thank you. And, if you need Lainey to come in before that, I don’t mind. Or if you need us both here . . . ”

“No! I’m not ready for that!” The fear must be evident in my voice and my eyes, as he places his hand on my thigh, and rubs it gently.

“Okay. You tell me what you need, when you need it. I’ll accommodate you. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“I think that’s a good place to end tonight,” Dr. Woodrow announces as she glances at her watch. “I don’t want to give you homework, but if you do decide to keep talking, make sure you listen completely to each other without judgment. Honestly, I think you should just go home and hold each other.”

“That’s homework I can do,” Adam tells her with a smile.

“Sounds good to me,” I agree. “I’ll see you next time, Doc.”

Dr. Woodrow smiles at both of us. “Goodnight you two.”

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