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Eve Sumptor

~ The Sessions

Monthly Archives: September 2014

Session Eleven

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

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Adam, Eve, Lainey, love, love making, orgasms, sex, therapy, vulnerable, Woodrow

“Sorry I’m late.” I take off my jacket and sit in the chair in front of Dr. Woodrow. I am so tired that, for once, I wish she had a couch that is so cliché for psychiatrists’ offices. Then again, I would probably just fall asleep if she did.

“It’s alright. Thank you for calling to let me know.” Dr. Woodrow smiles kindly before continuing. “I see you’re here alone. I thought Adam wanted to attend another session.”

“He does. He will. However, Bella wasn’t feeling well, so he stayed home with her tonight.”

“The poor dear. Will she be okay?”

I smile at the doctor. “Yes. A bit of a cold, I’m afraid. At least her temperature is leveling off.” Suddenly, I find it a bit odd that we’re sitting here talking about everyday things as though we were friends. Which, I suppose we are to some degree. It isn’t like we haven’t seen each other outside of the sessions. In fact, Dr. Woodrow has purchased a few pieces of art from me, and she and her husband have attended many functions with Adam and me.

“Is it uncomfortable to speak to me as a friend, Eve?”

I blink at her for a moment.

“It’s uncomfortable that you seem to be able to read my mind,” I respond teasingly.

“Have I?” she chuckles.

“I was just thinking that it was odd to speak to you about other things besides my problems. But no, it’s not uncomfortable.”

“Good. Would you like to tell me about your week? How were things between you and Adam after our session?”

“Um, quiet,” I confess. “First, my week has been busy. Auctions, speaking with artists about shows, charity functions. All very normal for me. But what hasn’t been normal is my and Adam’s love making,” I finish quietly.

“What do you mean?”

I hesitate for a moment, trying to find the words to express what has been going on in the bedroom.

“I think Adam took what we discussed here a little to personally. He feels like he’s been too dominate in our love making, and he’s . . . changed. Not that it hasn’t been wonderful,” I add hastily. “It’s just been different.”

“Different how?”

“He’s very gentle. Passionate.” I let out a frustrated sigh. I’m not explaining this right. “He’s been that way before, and I love it. What I’m trying to say is that he hasn’t been, um . . . ”

“He doesn’t dominate you anymore?”

I actually blush a little. I didn’t think that could happen anymore after all I’ve been through.

“No, he doesn’t. It hasn’t been rough or dominating or reckless. It’s like he’s consciously making the effort not to lose control. He’s holding back.”

“Have you discussed this with him?”

“No,” I sigh. “I want to, but I don’t want him to think I’m not enjoying the sex we are having. I am. I just . . . ” my voice trails off, and I hang my head.

“Eve, it’s understandable that you would want your sex life to continue the way it was. I don’t think you’re complaining, and I don’t think Adam would see it that way either. Communication is imperative in any relationship. If you don’t tell him how you feel, how will he know? Are you still climaxing or have you had to . . . ”

I didn’t think I would ever see the day that Dr. Woodrow would blush. Surely this isn’t the first time she’s talked about this subject. That aside, I think I know what she’s trying to ask and I’m quick to answer.

“I have never faked it with Adam. I never have to and I never will. Yes, he still gives me orgasms this way. Like I said, it’s still wonderful. But I don’t want him to hold back anymore. I want him to be who he is. And sometimes that person loses control, and I love that.”

“Then I suggest you speak to him about it. Let him know that when we had our session, you weren’t complaining about anything with him. It sounds to me as though he’s scared. That maybe if he gives you what he thinks Lainey gives you, you won’t have to have those feelings for her anymore.”

“Ugh!” I slump a little in my seat and lean my head back. “That’s not even what it is. At least not all of it! I don’t know why I’m drawn to Lainey. Believe me, I’ve tried to stop it, but I can’t. Adam changing things in the bedroom with me isn’t going to help.”

“And that’s what you need to tell him,” Dr. Woodrow suggests. “May I ask you a question?”

I chuckle. “Isn’t that sort of your job?”

“I suppose it is,” she smiles. “Was sex with Lainey as fulfilling for you as it seems to be with Adam?”

Oh God. Don’t ask me that! “Um . . . ”

“You know you don’t have to answer, Eve,” she says gently as I’m sure she sees the reluctance in my face.

“Please don’t write this down in your notebook.”

Dr. Woodrow closes her leather bound notebook, and lays it and her pen to the side.

“It was different,” I begin. “Sex with Lainey is – was – beautiful. Yes, it was fulfilling, and exciting. Being with Adam is exquisite. He’s powerful and talented. Sincere and loving. It’s extremely fulfilling.” I bring my legs up, curling them under me in the chair. I wonder if Armani envisioned one of his power suits being used in such a childish way. “It would be so much easier if the sex hadn’t been wonderful.”

“With Lainey or Adam?” Dr. Woodrow asks softly.

Well, isn’t that the million dollar question. I’m a coward. I know this, I accept this. And because I’m a coward, I refuse to answer that question.

“I want things to go back to the way they were with Adam,” I say instead.

“The only way that will happen, Eve, is if you tell him how you feel. I realize that talking about your feelings is difficult for you. You’ve held them in for most of your life. But if you want your marriage to work, you have to be honest with each other.”

Just the idea that my marriage could be in trouble makes me shiver with dread. I love Adam so much. So why in the hell do I still have feelings for Lainey?

“How are things with Lainey?” Dr. Woodrow asks, interrupting my internal chastising.

“Good. Fine.”

“Eve?”

Sigh.

“We’re fine. We’re still close, but there are moments when there’s awkwardness between us. We’re trying to get back to the friendship we had before we . . . ” Before we what? Ruined it? Made a mistake? Why don’t I feel like being with Lainey was a mistake? Perhaps it was wrong because she’s married, and I was with Adam. Do I regret it? I can’t.

“Can you tell me what just went through your mind?”

“I was trying to think of being with Lainey as a mistake. I was trying to regret it.”

“But you can’t,” she guesses.

“No. I can’t.” I hate that even though I don’t regret it, my voice still carries a bit of guilt.

“I don’t think that’s wrong, Eve. You did what your heart told you to do at the time.” She smiles at my raised eyebrow. “I’m not an advocator of cheating,” she says gently. “But I can’t find fault in something that helped both you and Lainey so tremendously.”

“Helped me so much I can’t paint.”

“I don’t think your affair with Lainey is what caused you to stop painting, Eve.”

My eyes snap up to hers. Had I really said that out loud? “You don’t think it plays a part?”

“Actually, no. Perhaps Adam finding out the way he did plays a small part, but I think everything concerning your past, your parents, Agent Donovan and Laurence is what is blocking you. Your love for Lainey and Adam opened up your ability to let those deeply buried feelings out. That’s not a bad thing, you just need to learn how to manage it.”

“They’re all dead. What am I still fearing?” I whisper.

“You.”

“Me?”

“I’ve gotten to know you pretty well, Eve. You’re very good at showing that confident, strong side. When people look at you, they see a powerful, successful woman. Inside, you don’t feel that way all the time. Your fear is being the victim you were all those years ago. Your fear is that you’ll be weak enough to let all of this take away the confidence you so carefully built. When you buried those emotions a long time ago, that was your defense. Now they’re out in the open, and it has left you feeling vulnerable.”

“I hate it.”

She chuckles. “I know you do. But it’s a process you have to go through. Eve, you have people who love you and want to help you. You’re not alone in this. Don’t be afraid to lean on those people. Remember, it’s not weakness to need help.”

I take a deep breath. “I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all anyone can ask,” Dr. Woodrow smiles, then looks at her watch. “Would you like to stop here?”

“Yes.”

“Very well. Perhaps Bella will be feeling better next time, and Adam can attend with you. But until then, Eve, talk to him. Don’t make him have to figure this out on his own.”

“I will talk to him. I promise.”

“Good. Perhaps you should just attack him tonight. Let him know that slow and gentle isn’t what you need all the time.”

I laugh heartily as I make my way to the door. “Why Dr. Woodrow, I’m shocked! Who knew you had it in you?” I tease.

“It’s always the quiet ones,” she smirks. “Good night, Eve.”

“Good night, doc.”

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Session Ten

11 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

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Tags

Adam, betrayal, confessions, control, Eve, guilt, Lainey, love, safe

“Adam, it’s so nice to see you, again.” Dr. Woodrow took Adam’s hand as he leaned in to kiss her gently on the cheek.

“It’s good to see you, Dr. Woodrow.” His deep voice reverberates through me, even though he’s speaking softly. I’ve always loved my husband’s voice. I find it soothing, not to mention incredibly sexy.

“Hello, Eve.”

I give the doctor a small smile. It’s all I can muster up at the moment since I don’t trust my voice. I’m always nervous when I come here, but having Adam here intensifies that nervousness tenfold. Adam sits next to me, immediately grasping my hand, and begins rubbing my knuckles with his thumb.

The silence is uncomfortable to me, but I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m certainly not going to be the one spilling my guts first. I see Dr. Woodrow watch me for a while, scribble something in that damn notebook, and then turn to Adam.

“Do you know why I asked you to come here, Adam?”

Great. Perfect way to start the conversation by making me feel guilty for not discussing this in more detail with Adam. But honestly? What would I have said?

“Eve didn’t say much about it, just that you wanted to see both me and Lainey.”

Now, it could have just been my imagination, but I could have sworn that Adam’s voice shook as he mentioned Lainey’s name.

“I had no idea what to say,” I defend myself, irritably. “I told you that she wanted to speak with us together because that’s what she said.”

“I didn’t mean anything by that, beautiful. I was just answering the question honestly.” He squeezes my hand gently before turning back to the doctor. “I’m willing to discuss anything you think would help.”

I instantly regret my little outburst. He’s here trying to help me, and all I can do is be a bitch.

“Eve?” Crap. “Would you like to tell Adam why you asked Lainey about these sessions first?”

Uh, no! Sigh. “Can’t you?” Yes, I’m being childish, and that only serves to piss me off more. This isn’t who I am! After everything I’ve been through in my life, I’ve learned to be strong. Why do I feel so vulnerable with Adam here? And, why does it scare me so much to have him see me that way?

Dr. Woodrow stares at me for a long moment, and writes more in her notebook. “I saw a lot of emotions on your face just then, Eve. Why don’t you say what you just felt out loud?”

Wow. She really is trying to destroy me. Okay, so I know she’s not, but it sure as hell feels like it right now.

“I don’t like feeling vulnerable,” I whisper low enough that Adam had to lean closer to hear me.

“Eve. You’re safe here. No one in this room wants to hurt you,” Dr. Woodrow says softly. “Adam wants to help. Look at him and tell him how you feel.”

I consider giving the good doctor a death stare, but decide against it since she’s in no way intimidated by me. Hell, if I met the “me” in here, I wouldn’t be intimidated either. So, I turn to my husband, seeing nothing but compassion and love in his eyes.

“This isn’t who you fell in love with. This shell of a woman that can’t paint, who isn’t strong, and is scared all the time. I didn’t want you to come here because I didn’t want you to see me this way. I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what, beautiful?” Adam’s eyes are glimmering with unshed tears. It reminds me that the last time I saw him cry was when he found out I had betrayed him.

“Afraid that you won’t love this person,” I barely whisper.

Adam drops to his knees in front of me. “Eve, do you think my love for you is that superficial?”

He pauses long enough for me to answer, so I shake my head.

“When we got married and I said my vows, I meant every one of them. For better or worse. I love you unconditionally, beautiful. When you’re strong, I’ll stand beside you. If you need help, I’ll be there to hold you. Let me in, Eve. Please?”

A tear slides down my cheek and he lovingly brushes it away with his thumb.

“I’m so sorry.” My voice breaks and I fight to control the sob I know wants to get loose. “I don’t mean to shut you out, I just . . . ”

“You just find it easier to be open with Lainey?”

To my surprise, I don’t hear any accusation or resentment in his voice. I shrug.

“And, is that why you . . . had the affair?” Now I hear the hurt, and it tears me apart.

I don’t know how to answer that question. How do I tell my husband that I’m inexplicably drawn to someone else, even though I love him with all my heart? Hell, even I don’t understand it.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

He studies me for a minute, then nods. “I can’t say that I enjoy seeing how close you still are with Lainey, beautiful. It makes me feel like an outsider sometimes. And, I’ll admit that I sometimes feel insecure, and untrusting.”

“I haven’t slept with her!” I tell him hastily. “I swear!”

“But you still think about her that way,” he says sadly. “I can see it. I’m trying to understand, Eve.”

“May I say something,” Dr. Woodrow interjects. When Adam sat back in his chair to face her, she continued. “From what I’ve been able to determine, Eve is as confused with her feelings as you are, Adam. She knows she loves you, and that she doesn’t want to hurt you. But, if I may, she feels a certain kind of protection from Lainey.” She quickly raises her hand when Adam begins to speak. “I’m not saying she doesn’t feel safe with you. I’m saying that she is able to let down these barriers with Lainey because Eve feels in control in that relationship.”

My brow furrows as I listen to the doctor. Do I feel control with Lainey? I am the one who pursued her. Adam pursued me. Lainey was the inexperienced one with me. Adam taught me what making love really was, and all the different ways to do it.

“Because she’s a woman?” Adam asks.

“No,” I answer. “I’ve been hurt by a woman.” I thought of how Madame Bussiere used to treat me. Use me. Beat me. “It’s because of who she is, and our dynamic. With you and me, you’re more dominant.”

“So I shouldn’t be that way?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying, baby. Look,” I sigh and run my hand through my blonde hair. “I’m not really clear on all of this, yet. It’s just, something clicked with me when Dr. Woodrow said what she said.”

Adam looked at the doctor. “I would like to come back to discuss this further. Can I do that?”

Wow. That hurt. These are my sessions, and yet he doesn’t ask me how I feel about him coming to more of them. That control thing really does have some relevance.

“You should ask Eve that question,” Dr. Woodrow admonishes gently.

He looks downright contrite as he turns to me again. “Damn. I should have asked you. I’m so sorry, beautiful. Forgive me?”

I nod silently.

“May I come back, Eve? I really would like to explore this further. And, if I’m doing something that makes you shut me out, I would like to change that. Please, baby?”

“I think that would be good,” I answer softly.

He grins that lopsided grin I love so much. “Thank you. And, if you need Lainey to come in before that, I don’t mind. Or if you need us both here . . . ”

“No! I’m not ready for that!” The fear must be evident in my voice and my eyes, as he places his hand on my thigh, and rubs it gently.

“Okay. You tell me what you need, when you need it. I’ll accommodate you. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“I think that’s a good place to end tonight,” Dr. Woodrow announces as she glances at her watch. “I don’t want to give you homework, but if you do decide to keep talking, make sure you listen completely to each other without judgment. Honestly, I think you should just go home and hold each other.”

“That’s homework I can do,” Adam tells her with a smile.

“Sounds good to me,” I agree. “I’ll see you next time, Doc.”

Dr. Woodrow smiles at both of us. “Goodnight you two.”

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