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Eve Sumptor

~ The Sessions

Tag Archives: Adam

Session Sixteen

06 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

abuse, Adam, Bella, bisexual, cheating, confessions, control, Eve, Eve Sumptor-Riley, evil, fear, feelings, guilt, hurt, Lainey, lesbian, love, pansexual, therapy, truth, Woodrow

“Eve?”

I stand up straight, pushing away from my Lexus. “Hello, Doc. I’m sorry for ambushing you like this.” I have been waiting for the doctor in the parking lot of her office building for the past thirty minutes. It’s not the most orthodox way of getting a session in, but . . .

“It’s all right.” Dr. Woodrow points behind her. “Would you like to go inside?”

“No.” My voice is a little firmer than I intend. “Sorry, I’ve been feeling a bit closed in lately. Would you mind talking to me out here?” I lift my face to the star-filled sky. It’s a chilly night, but not unbearably so.

Dr. Woodrow checks her watch, and not for the first time I wonder if I’ve made a good decision coming here. It’s late and I’m sure the good doc has more important things to do than to stay here and talk to me.

“Of course. There’s a bench right around the corner. We can sit there if you want?” She leads the way and sits, waiting patiently for me to do the same.

“I’m sorry . . .” I begin again, but she stops me.

“Eve, whatever it is that’s on your mind must be important for you to be here at all. I’m available anytime for you, you know that.”

She stays quiet after that and I suppose she’s waiting for me to get to the reason I’m here. Fleetingly, I wonder what she’s going to do without her trusty notebook. How will I know if what I’m saying is bothersome to her?

“I’m going crazy.” The doc raises her eyebrow at my word and I smile apologetically. “Poor choice of words even if I do feel exactly that way.”

“Why do you feel you’re going crazy?” She reaches into her purse and pulls out a damned notebook.

“Do you always walk around with one of those things?”

“I find they come in handy. You know, just in case a patient is waiting for me in the parking lot and refuses to come inside.” She smiles warmly.

I know she’s kidding me, but being called a patient makes me cringe. Intellectually, I know there’s nothing wrong with needing help. Unfortunately, I’m not being very intellectual at the moment. My heart is winning over everything else. Which brings me to why I’m here.

“I need to talk about my last session,” I blurt out unceremoniously.

“I’m surprised it took you this long.”

I think one of the reasons I like Dr. Woodrow so much is because she’s unconventional. I can pretend that we’re old friends sitting out here having a normal conversation.

“Yeah, well, I had homework to do.”

“The being alone and thinking,” Woodrow nods. “I had a feeling that would be difficult for you.”

“For years, I thought I didn’t have a heart, Dr. Woodrow. Those men who hurt me stole that from me. Then, I meet Adam and I start to feel something. I didn’t allow myself to give in because no matter how nice he was to me, I just never felt I could completely be myself with him. He has this image of me, as most people do, and I strive to be that person for him.”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Then, I meet Lainey. God, it was so easy with her. She never expected anything of me. And, maybe that’s because she knew how it felt, being a wife and mother who everyone expected things from. I don’t know. I just know there wasn’t a moment when I felt I couldn’t be me. Oh, I wanted to resist getting close to her. I couldn’t. I knew that what I was feeling was more than just friendship. Seeing the way she looked at me, I knew she could feel it, too. It suddenly became a need to be close to her.”

“Do you think Lainey being a woman has anything to do with the way you feel?”

“You mean because it was men who hurt me?”

“Precisely.”

“That was one of the things I thought about. With my heart, I might add. I have been pulling at every little thread trying to figure out why I’m hurting Adam.”

“And?” Dr. Woodrow prompts when I pause.

“No, I honestly don’t think that’s it. I don’t see Adam as someone who can hurt me. Not like they did.”

“May I ask you a few questions?”

“Isn’t that your job?” I smirk, and she smiles back.

“Part of it. Is Lainey the only woman you’ve been attracted to?”

“Yes.”

Woodrow writes something in her notebook and I resist rolling my eyes like a sullen teenager.

“Do you love Adam?”

“Yes.”

“Are you in love with Adam?”

My answer isn’t as quick this time and she writes again.

“Should I take your non-answer as an answer?” she asks kindly.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “I thought I was. I thought that by letting Lainey go — in that way — I was doing the right thing. For both of us. What if I was wrong?”

“Well, I can’t say you were wrong in your decision that you made then.”

“What can you say?”

“I can say that when I asked you a few sessions back if you were in love with Lainey, you said yes,” she answers matter-of-factly.

“So, I should divorce my husband, leave my daughter, and whisk Lainey away from her family? What are you writing?” I ask as she scribbles something in her notebook.

“What about this notebook bothers you so much?”

“Every time I say something wrong, you write.”

“What makes you think what you said is wrong?”

I stand abruptly and start pacing. All of this shrink back and forth is frustrating me.

“I can’t do what I just said! That’s what makes it wrong! Cheating is wrong! Being in love with someone who belongs to someone else is wrong!” I stop and look at her pleadingly. I’m breathing heavily, and my entire body is shaking. “I’m not a bad person, Doc. I just fell in love with the right person at the wrong time.”

“I know you’re not a bad person, Eve. Nor is Lainey.” She stands and takes a step towards me. “The thing about love is it’s never predictable. Both you and Lainey have circumstances that may be factors in what has transpired between you two.”

“You still think this has to do with men hurting me.”

“No. What I mean is, from what I’ve learned from Lainey, Jack is her first, and only, before you. They met when she was young, and she’s been with him ever since.”

“So, she’s sowing her oats with me?”

“Eve.”

My mom used to say my name like that when I was being a brat. I felt the same way then that I do now. Like a chastised little girl.

“She’s not ‘sowing her oats’. But, perhaps, when she met you she discovered there was someone else out there who could capture her heart. That doesn’t make her a bad person. It makes her human. As for you,” she continues. “You grew up so fast, and yet, in a way, you remained a child.”

I frown. “I don’t understand.”

“The things that happened to you, should never happen to anyone at any age. Having gone through it at such a youthful age, you were forced to grow up. But, you never went through the normal phases of a relationship. Adam was nice to you and you weren’t used to that. So, you held on to that. Now, I’m not saying that what you feel or felt for him isn’t real. It undoubtedly is. But, you weren’t able to explore your feelings more in-depth as a woman.”

“So, Lainey and I are exploring?”

Dr. Woodrow sighed. “You can be extremely hard-headed sometimes. You continually want to hear what makes you look bad. What I’m actually saying is that each of you found someone in each other that you’re completely comfortable being yourselves with. In doing that, you both found something you might have been missing in your lives.”

“Then why did we make the decision we made to stay apart?” That was the question that was constantly in my head. If I loved Lainey so much, why did I marry Adam? Why did I have Bella? Did I know deep down that Lainey would never leave Jack because of her sons? Did I want what she had, only since I couldn’t have it with her, I chose the next best thing? If that was true, what kind of person did that make me? And, how in the hell am I supposed right my wrong? The thought of hurting Adam, of breaking up my daughter’s home, kills me.

“I can only assume, Eve.”

“Assume, please.”

“It’s what you both know. Lainey has been with Jack for close to twenty years. They have two sons. How daunting it must be to change your entire life after so long. And, you are as selfless as you are self-deprecating. You’re willing to give up what you truly want if you think it will make those you care about happy.”

“Are we talking about Lainey or Adam?”

“Both.”

I sit back down, not trusting my legs to keep me upright anymore. “Am I a lesbian?”

“I don’t think we need a label, Eve. Love is love.”

I chuckle. “Spoken like a true advocate.”

She smiles at me. “As you know, my niece Rebecca is a lesbian. That’s what she has always identified as. I have no problem with labels, Eve. I just don’t think we need one in your case. But if it helps you, I’d say either bisexual or pansexual.”

“Hmm. I guess I have more homework to do.”

“I can give you pamphlets.”

It’s the sparkle in her eyes that gives her away. “I wouldn’t have been surprised if you did have pamphlets,” I laugh. It hits me then that I’ve laughed more in the past thirty minutes than I had all weekend. “What am I going to do?”

She sighs and sits next to me. “What did your heart tell you?”

“That I’m in trouble.” I shake my head. “They deserve so much better,” I murmur.

“What about you? What do you deserve, Eve?”

“I don’t think you want me to answer that right now.” I stand again. “I’ve scratched and clawed my way out of hell, doc. I’ve been beaten, raped, shot. Yet, I’m still here. Against all odds, I’ve become a very successful woman. I have galleries all over the world, businesses that flourish, more money than I will probably ever need, and a beautiful family. The one thing that brings me to my knees is love. Fucking love. I’ve fought my demons and won. But how in the hell do I fight something I can’t see, change, or control?”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t be fighting it.”

“Right,” I scoff. “Just keep on like we are. More of Paris. Marriages be damned.”

“Eve, I’m not advocating cheating. In fact, I would normally say cheaters are selfish and cruel.” Ouch. “But, your situation is different.”

“Why? Because we’re women?”

“No. Because you’re not purposefully trying to hurt others. In fact, you’re fighting so hard not to hurt others that you’re hurting yourselves.”

“Doesn’t make it right.”

“No, it doesn’t. And, that’s something the two of you will have to come to terms with. My point is, you’re so focused on that aspect of it that you’re ignoring everything else. I won’t deny that this is a severely complicated situation. But it is my job as your therapist to get you to think about yourself and what makes you happy.”

“I’m in this mess because I only thought about myself.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” I confess softly. “Why couldn’t I leave her alone?”

“Vilifying yourself won’t help. And you can’t keep taking away Lainey’s accountability for her actions. I realize many may see you as irresistible, but you didn’t force her to be with you. She chose that.” She reaches out and takes my hand. A move that surprises me more than a little. “You’re scared, and I get that. You’re not used to putting yourself out there. I think you’re feeling extra pressure now because I’ve tasked both you and Lainey to think about what your hearts want. As much as you know she loves you, you can’t be sure her heart will choose you.”

My eyes flutter shut as I feel my stomach drop. “Guess I should stop referring to you as a quack,” I joke. Suddenly uncomfortable, I pull my hand back. “And if that’s what happens?”

“Fear is never an effective way to live life, Eve.”

I shake my head. “Such a psychiatrist response.”

“As much as I would like to help you, I can’t make your decisions for you.” She holds her hand up before I can speak. “There are no negotiations on that, Eve. But I can be here for you — for both of you — no matter what those decisions are.”

If my mother were still alive, I think she would be like Dr. Willamena Woodrow. Caring, yet firm. Always there when needed. The thought saddens me even more and I realize how tired I am. An exhaustion that no amount of sleep will help. Tired of always fighting to be happy. Sometimes I wonder just how far my strength will stretch.

“I need to go. You can bill me for this,” I say suddenly. I see a flash of disappointment in the doctor’s eyes and I soften my tone. “Thank you for talking to me out here. I apologize for disrupting your night.”

“No need to apologize. The good thing about bubble baths and wine is they’re always there no matter what time I need them.”

I give her a genuine smile. “That sounds like heaven right about now.”

“It does, doesn’t it? Should I give it to you as homework?”

“Don’t ruin it!” I chuckle. “I think I need to spend some time with my daughter. She brings light to my world in a time when I need it most.”

“I think that sounds perfect.” She takes her keys out of her purse. “I want you to remember that I’m available anytime.”

“I will, thank you.”

“Eve? One more thing. I know you probably can’t imagine this right now, but perhaps it would be a good thing for you to talk to Adam about this.”

My eyebrows shoot upwards. “Are you crazy?”

“Wouldn’t that be something?” she laughs. “But I’m pretty sure there’s a clause somewhere in some legal mumbo jumbo that says therapists can’t be crazy.”

“Perhaps you’ve found a loophole,” I counter jokingly.

“Perhaps,” she shrugs with a smirk. “But, in this case, I believe it might help you.”

“Because he’ll divorce me and take my daughter away which leaves me completely available to ruin Lainey’s life?”

The doc shakes her head. “You’re not a villain, Eve. I will keep telling you that until you get it through your head.”

“You may want to save your voice by recording it,” I suggest. “Listen, I’m capable of many things, Doc, but talking to Adam about this isn’t one of those things.”

“You must be aware that your feelings are changing for him. I can only imagine he’s aware of it as well. No matter what decisions you make, he needs to know how you feel.”

“I’m not ready for that.”

She nods. “All right. Keep it in mind?”

“If I can find the room for it up there, I will do just that.” No promises, I add silently. “I get it, okay? I’m not being fair to him and that kills me. But, I’m in no hurry to devastate him even more than I already have.”

“Like I said earlier, Eve, it is my job to help you think of yourself in these situations. With that said, I’m not here to pressure you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with.”

I laugh. “That’s all you’ve done by making me talk, Doc.” I hold up my hands before she can respond. “Work in progress, Dr. Woodrow.”

“As long as you remember to progress, Eve.”

“Such a shrink.”

“That’s what it says on my doorplate,” she winks. “Go home and hug that beautiful daughter of yours.” She looks as though she has something more to ask, but apparently changes her mind. Perhaps she can sense I’ve had all I can handle for the night. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful for the reprieve. “I expect you back here regularly.”

“I’m doing my best. Goodnight, Doctor. Enjoy your night of relaxation.”

“Goodnight, Eve.”

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Session Fourteen

01 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Adam, art, Bella, betrayal, Eve, Eve Sumptor-Riley, fear, guilt, Lainey, love, therapy, Woodrow

*Contains harsh language

 

“You’ve been avoiding your sessions, Eve.” Dr. Woodrow offered me a cup of hot tea as I sat down in front of her.

“Not avoiding,” I started, but was immediately silenced by her disbelieving look. “The holidays are a busy time,” I try again.

“They are,” the doc agreed. “But I don’t think that’s why you haven’t been in. Would you like to talk about the real reason?”

“You’re not going to let me get away with the busy holiday time, huh?” She shook her head and smiled at me. “I just wanted to get out of my head for a while,” I sigh.

“And, you thought you could do that by skipping your sessions?”

“All I do here is stay inside my head. It’s not always a great place to be, Doc.”

“You’re only delaying the inevitable, Eve.” She took a sip of her tea, watching me over the rim. Then she set her cup to the side, and picked up her notebook. “You had a breakthrough in your last session with Lainey. Have you thought more about that?”

I closed my eyes for a moment. If I allowed myself to think about my ‘breakthrough’ I would have to admit that Lainey – or the thought of losing Lainey – is one of the major issues blocking my creativity. I would have to admit that my feelings for Lainey go deeper than I want to acknowledge.

“What were you just thinking, Eve?”

I sigh. “What is this hold Lainey has on my heart?” I ask quietly. “Why can’t I let her go? At least that part?”

“Eve, I’m going to ask you something, and I don’t want you to think about the answer. Thinking will make you consider other people’s feelings. Just answer.” I nod. “Are you in love with Lainey?”

“Yes.” The whispered answer shocked me as much as it scared the shit out of me. “How? How can I feel that for her and my husband? How do I stop?”

“I don’t think it’s something we have control over, Eve,” Dr. Woodrow said softly.

“No. There has to be something we can do. Help me.” I know I sound desperate. I am. I can’t have these feelings for Lainey. It’s not fair. To her, to Adam. Hell, it’s not fair to me.

“Alright, Eve. Let’s say there is something I can do for you. That I can help you turn your feelings off for one of the two people you love. Which one would you like to stop loving?”

I opened my mouth to answer, and not a damn word came out. Shit. Why wasn’t Lainey my automatic answer? I should want to stop loving Lainey, right? She’s married. I’m married. That’s what I should want.

“I can’t do this,” I whisper. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Avoidance isn’t the answer.”

“It’s the only answer I have!” I stand up, and begin to pace. “Life was so much easier when I didn’t have to worry about feelings.”

“Easier or emptier?” Dr. Woodrow asked quietly. “Sit down, Eve. Let’s see if we can talk through this.”

“Talk through what?” I ask irritably. “You just said I couldn’t change the way I feel. So, what are these sessions good for?”

“You’re fighting me. Fighting your feelings. I can practically see you building your walls again. Reverting back to the way you were will not help you.”

“At least I was able to paint then,” I mutter.

“Fine. Go back to the way you were. That way you risk losing both Adam and Lainey.” The good doctor was frustrated with me. Not that I blame her. I was frustrated with myself. However, I did have to question the professionalism of what she just said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” she acknowledged before I could say anything.

“It’s fine. Perhaps I need a kick in the ass.” I sit back down with a sigh, and run a hand through my hair. “Okay. Let’s talk about this.”

Dr. Woodrow studied me for a moment, then wrote something in that damned notebook. “Let’s begin with the breakthrough. In our last session, you said that,” she glanced at her notes again, “the possibility of losing Lainey is what started the chaos in your head. Can you tell me more about that?”

Though we’ve touched on the subject of what happened when Adam was taken by Laurence, we have never really gotten into the details. Somehow, talking about seeing my husband, bloodied and beaten, was harder to talk about than what happened to me all those years ago.

I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “I believe I’ve told you before that I let my guard down after I killed Tony.”

“Can I just stop you right there for a moment?” Dr. Woodrow interrupted. “I don’t like when you say you ‘killed’ Tony.”

My brows furrowed. “But I did. I shot him.”

“No. I’ve read the reports. I know there was a struggle, even though you haven’t gone into details about that day. The way you say it, it’s like you think you shot him in cold blood. You saved Lainey’s life. You protected your own life. If you’re holding on to some kind of guilt for that, you need to let it go.”

Guilt? For killing Tony? I don’t think I hold guilt, but hell, what do I know? “Fine,” I concede. “After Tony died, I felt safe again. My feelings for Lainey were still there, but I was dealing with them. I thought I was dealing with them,” I corrected before continuing. “But, when they took Adam, I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotions that took over. His disappearance, coupled with my fear of something happening to Bella and Lainey, maybe that’s when the chaos really started. But when I had to stand in front of my battered husband, seeing the pain in his eyes when . . .  ” I paused and stood up again, not able to keep still. “You know, I couldn’t even say it.”

“Say what, Eve?”

“I still didn’t know who was behind it all, he used text message to communicate,” I began again, not yet answering her question. “When I walked in that warehouse, all I saw was Adam tied to that chair. I was told to confess. But I didn’t know what I was supposed to confess to. Or maybe I did, but I didn’t want Adam to find out. If I think that way, each time Adam was electrocuted because of my hesitance weighs on my conscience.”

She scribbles something in her notebook, then glances at me again. “Continue.”

I sigh. “I still didn’t say it,” I repeated. “I didn’t tell Adam about the affair. He was the strong one. He protected me once again and saved me from having to say the words. But that pain I saw in him after I confirmed it; that pain had nothing to do with his physical state. I hurt him. And, I knew I would possibly have to give Lainey up if we made it out of there alive. A part of me died at that moment.”

“Your guilt is overwhelming you, Eve.” She put her notebook to the side, and stood up. “You’re demonizing yourself for being human, and having human emotions.”

“I hurt him! I hurt Lainey!”

“Stop.” Dr. Woodrow stood in front of me, placing her hands on my shoulders in an attempt to either stop me from pacing or calm me. Perhaps both. “I get that loving two people can be confusing. I even get how it can cause guilt.”

“Do you? Have you ever been in love with two people before?” God that was childish, and I immediately feel shame for saying it.

“Yes, actually,” she answered, surprising me. “But this isn’t about me.”

“What do I do?”

“Let’s continue talking.” She guided me back to my seat. “After that situation, did Adam confront you?”

“Not like I thought he would. He never yelled at me, never got mad at me.” I look up at her. “He was more upset with Lainey.”

“He loves you.”

“That makes things much better,” I mumble.

“Would it have made it better if he left you? If he didn’t love you? Lainey would still be married,” she reminded me. When I didn’t answer, she nodded, picking up her notebook.

“What did you just write?” I ask her.

“That you find it easier to believe someone should stop loving you for your faults, than love you more.” She paused for a moment. “I also wrote that you wonder if Lainey would still be married if you weren’t with Adam.”

I frown at her. “I didn’t say that.”

“Your expression did. Let me ask you this. If you weren’t with Adam, would you pursue Lainey?”

“Of course not! She’s married.”

“What if it were something she wanted?”

I hesitate. “I – I don’t know.”

“You’re not being honest. Whether it’s with yourself or just me, I don’t know. Eve, would you want to be with Lainey if you both were free to do so?”

“Yes.” God. How many times have I dreamt of that? As much as I love my husband, I still dream of someone else. That has to be wrong. I know that’s wrong.

“Does Lainey know this?”

“Hell no. Why would I do that to her?”

“Have you discussed your feelings with Adam?”

I blink at her. Surely she must be joking. “And, hurt him even more by telling him, ‘hey, I love Lainey and still think about being with her’?” I say irritably.

“I understand your frustration, Eve, but we’re here to talk about these things.”

“I know. But all of this talking is doing nothing but confusing me more!”

“You said you were dealing with your feelings for Lainey. How?”

“What?”

“How were you dealing with them? By denying them?”

“What else could I do? We’re both married. Denying them, or hiding them just seemed like the right thing to do.” Wow. My frustration is running rampant tonight.

“You must realize from your past that covering it up doesn’t mean it goes away, Eve.”

“My past doesn’t hurt other people, it only hurts me. My feelings for Lainey? Those feelings hurt others. Adam, Bella, Jack, Kevin, Darren. Lainey.”

“And, what about you, Eve? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself, your creativity to keep those around you from feeling the pain you’re feeling yourself?”

“Yes.”

“It’ll only get worse,” she said softly. “Are you also willing to stop seeing Lainey if that happens?”

My chest tightened with pain. I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears. “I can’t. God help me, but I can’t.”

“You need to talk to Lainey about this, Eve.”

“What good would that do?” Except to make Lainey feel worse about what’s going on. She already feels guilty.

“You must realize that she feels the same way about you.”

My heart sped up a little at that thought. And, then the guilt came. “She’s in love with her husband.”

“She’s in love with you, too. Do you not think she’s going through the same things you are? Perhaps talking about it would help you both. And, if you’re afraid to have that conversation alone, have it here.”

“She’s not in love with me,” I say defiantly.

“You can deny all you want. Her feelings, yours. That doesn’t change the facts, Eve. So, if you want to actually move in some direction, you’re going to have to face it.”

“This is so fucking hard.” I was seriously considering going back to my old, solitary life. But, of course, that was impossible. I’m a mother. Bella depends on me, and if I can’t get my shit together, I’m not going to be much use to her. What would it do to her if I left Adam? My stomach lurched at the thought of leaving Adam. I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life any more than I could imagine not having Lainey. I’m such a fucking mess.

“People typically come to see me when things are too difficult to handle on their own,” Dr. Woodrow said with a small smile. It actually made me smile. “Eve. I see no other way of you getting past this block. You need to be truthful about the way you feel.”

“So, I don’t paint anymore. There could be worse things.” Like losing Adam. Or Lainey. Or my daughter if Adam is angry enough.

“Not for someone like you. Art is like breath to you.” Dr. Woodrow closed her notebook, and put it to the side again. “Your night terrors are back, you don’t laugh nearly as much as you should. These are things Adam and Lainey told me when they first contacted me. So, even if you’re not worried about yourself, they’re worried about you.”

“And, do you think Adam would want this if he knew that all it’s doing is bringing my feelings for Lainey to the forefront again?”

“Is that what you think it’s doing?” When I just shrug, she continued. “In order for therapy to work, we must get to the root of the problem. Then it’s like peeling an onion. Layers and layers of feelings that are most likely going to make you cry and feel worse.”

“It’s a wonder you don’t use that in your advertising,” I say sarcastically, then smile so she knows I’m teasing.

She chuckles before becoming serious once again. “Eve, you are a very complicated woman. You have many reasons for that defense mechanism. We just need to work our way through it. And, you’re going to need help with that.”

“By talking to Lainey about my feelings?”

“That’s one thing, yes.”

“And, you wondered why I was avoiding the sessions.”

She laughed. “I thought you weren’t avoiding them. That it was just the ‘busy holiday time’.”

“Caught me,” I smiled before sighing. “You’ll be with me when I talk to Lainey?”

“Of course.”

“And, you’ll put me back together when I lose everything?”

“Why do you think you’ll lose everything?”

“Lainey isn’t in love with me, Doc. She won’t want to be around me anymore when she finds out how I feel. And, the next thing you’ll tell me to do is confess all to Adam. He’ll leave me for sure, and take Bella with him. This is what your suggestion is likely to do.”

“Have you always been a pessimist?”

“I don’t think that’s pessimism. I think it’s realism. It’s definitely possible.”

“Alright. I’ll concede that it’s possible. And, you know you don’t have to do anything you feel uncomfortable with.”

I laugh harshly. “I’m uncomfortable with this, but Adam and Lainey wanted me here.” I pause. “I’ll bring Lainey in next time. I can’t promise I will do what you ask, but I can try.”

“That’s all I ask, Eve.”

“I’m not ready to tell Adam anything, yet.”

“Very well. We’ll go at your pace, Eve. With Lainey and Adam both.” She looked at her watch. “Would you like to stop here?”

“Yes.” My head was pounding, and I felt a little sick to my stomach. I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like during the next session. “I know I should thank you for tonight’s session, but . . . “

“Eve, you don’t have to thank me.” She stood as I did. “In fact, there will be times you want to curse me. Like tonight, perhaps?” She laughed. “Just remember that we’re here for your benefit.”

I nod. “Maybe one day I’ll feel that way,” I say truthfully. “Goodnight, Dr. Woodrow.”

“Goodnight, Eve.”

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Session Thirteen

29 Saturday Nov 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

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Tags

Adam, affair, confessions, control, Eve, Eve Sumptor-Riley, guilt, Lainey, love, therapy

“Are you ready for this?”

I glance at Lainey, my hand resting on the door knob of Dr. Woodrow’s office.

“As I’ll ever be,” she replies softly. I can see the trepidation in her face, the slight tremble in her hand.

“Hey.” I turn to her, lifting her chin until she’s looking at me. “You don’t have to do this, Lainey.”

“I want to, Eve. For you.” She took my hand in hers, squeezing it slightly before releasing it. “For me, too.”

I know this is hurting her. If the quick release of my hand wasn’t a good indication, the tension that is radiating from her certainly is. We both feel guilty about the feelings we have for each other. I also think that she’s scared that these sessions are going to change how I feel for her. Or vice versa. It’s a confusing situation, feeling guilty but not wanting to lose that closeness. As Lainey told me once before, it’s like being bipolar. I give her a small smile, and open the door.

“Good evening, Eve,” Dr. Woodrow greeted. Her eyes widen a little with surprise when she sees Lainey step in as I hold the door open for her. “Lainey.” The doctor stands, greeting Lainey by offering her hand. “It’s so nice to have you joining us tonight.”

“Dr. Woodrow, it’s nice to finally meet you. Formally.” Lainey smiled politely, shaking the doc’s hand briefly.

Dr. Woodrow slanted me a look, and I shrugged. I hadn’t told her that Lainey was coming along. Of course, I hadn’t been sure if Lainey actually would come with me. She had been agreeable when I first asked her, but when it came time, she was hesitant.

“Let’s have a seat,” Woodrow suggests, and I see Lainey hesitate, then settle in beside me. Dr. Woodrow obviously saw the hesitation as well. “Are you nervous to be here, Lainey?”

“A little.”

It unnerved me that Lainey was so timid. It reminded me of how she was when we first met. Though she would often find the courage to let me know exactly what she thinks, the reality was that Lainey had been painfully modest. It was only after our . . . affair that she found her confidence. She wasn’t showing any of that confidence here in Dr. Woodrow’s office.

“Lainey . . . ”

“Eve,” she interrupts me. “I want to be here. I told you that. It’s just a little intimidating. Just give me a moment to get adjusted.”

Well, she found a little bit of that spirit. I’m thankful for that. I nod, noticing that Dr. Woodrow is watching the exchange intently.

“I would like to start by making an observation while you ‘adjust’,” the doctor said to Lainey, who nodded in return. “Just this small interaction has told me a lot about your relationship with each other.”

I glance at Lainey who blushes. Involuntarily my mind notes how cute she looks when she blushes, and I close my eyes, chastising myself for that thought.

“Eve?”

“What did this interaction tell you,” I ask quickly to avoid the question I knew she had for me.

Dr. Woodrow watched me for a moment, then nodded. “Well, you had mentioned to me that you felt more control when you were with Lainey.” Lainey’s head pops up at that, and she looks at me with a mixture of amusement and confusion.

“Control?”

“Um. Yeah, well . . . ” Good lord! Why do I suddenly feel like a scolded child?

“Because of my inexperience?” Lainey asked, turning towards me with complete interest.

“I’m not sure what it was. Perhaps it was that.”

“But I pursued you.”

I laughed softly. “You did not. I pursued you!”

“No . . . ” she trailed off when she saw my brow lift. “Fine, but I let you.”

It might have been the defiant little lift of the head, or perhaps the bold statement of ‘letting’ me pursue her. Whatever it was, it made me laugh. A loud, hearty laugh that I hadn’t had in a while. Lainey frowned at me, and Dr. Woodrow looked at me curiously.

“You let your guard down so much with Lainey,” the doctor said softly after I finished laughing. “But with Adam, you are constantly trying to be that woman everyone who meets you believes you are. Why?”

And, there goes any joy I just felt. “Isn’t that what I’m here to figure out?” I asked irritably.

“Eve.”

I turn my glare on Lainey, only to have it soften when I saw her concern. Protective. I’m protective of Lainey. But I don’t want to be protected. I want to know I can protect myself. Lainey isn’t fragile, but she has a vulnerability about her, and it brings out my protective side. There’s nothing like that with Adam. He’s self-sufficient, self-confident, strong and he would fight for me until his dying breath. Is that what I’m afraid of?

“So much just went through your head. I can only help you if you tell me, Eve.”

“I don’t want to be protected,” I said simply, as though it answered all questions.

To my surprise, the doc nodded, and scribbled a note in her notebook. “And, with Adam you feel like the protected and not like the protector that you feel with Lainey?”

Damn. Doc was good at her job. “Yes.”

“You feel like my protector?” Lainey asked warily. “Is that why you? Why we?”

I could tell Lainey was getting irritated, not able to articulate what she was feeling.

“We had an affair because we felt . . . feel something for each other, Lainey,” I reassured her softly. “It wasn’t because I wanted to conquer you, or whatever you thought when you heard the word protector. Yes, I feel that way. I want to shield you . . . ”

“I don’t need you to protect me, Eve.”

“I know you don’t, but I can’t change how I feel. Obviously.” I sigh. “I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in my head, so this is all as new to me as it is to you.”

Lainey’s eyes softened, and she reached over to place her hand over mine. “I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “Don’t be. We need to be able to express ourselves freely here, right?” My question was directed at Dr. Woodrow, and she nods. “I just don’t think there’s one thing that attracted me to you. Still attracts me to you. And, I know you feel just as guilty as I do about our feelings for each other.”

Lainey nodded sadly. “It’s not fair to Jack. Or Adam.” She turns to Dr. Woodrow. “Is that what’s blocking Eve’s creativity? Her feelings for me?”

I wonder briefly why she didn’t ask me, but if I know Lainey – and, I like to think I know her very well – she’ll think that I would give her any answer that spares her any kind of responsibility for my problems.

“Lainey, I believe there’s a myriad of matters that are blocking Eve’s creativity,” the doc answered carefully.

“That doesn’t really answer my question, does it?”

That’s my Lainey. I waited for the guilt to hit me after that thought, but it didn’t. Perhaps it was because it wasn’t a sexual thought. Lainey is my best friend, and will always be important to me.

“I suppose it doesn’t,” Dr. Woodrow admitted with a smile. “All of Eve’s feelings are what is blocking her.”

“So, yes.”

“Lainey, honey, it’s not you.” Okay, honestly the endearment just slipped out. “It’s not you, it’s not Adam. It’s me.” I slip off my chair, kneeling in front of her. “I love you. I will always love you. I don’t know how to stop that, or if I even want to.” My heart breaks a little when a tear slides down her cheek. “You were the one who showed me that I was worth being loved. Could Adam have done that? Perhaps, if I had let him in enough. But I wasn’t able to open myself up. Until you. So, for that, I will always be grateful. And, I will always be protective of you, love you. I don’t want to feel guilty for that, but it hurts Adam.”

“I know,” she whispered softly. “It must be harder for you because Adam knows. Jack doesn’t know. He doesn’t hurt from this. But you know I never want to hurt Adam. Knowing that I am, or that I’m part of the reason . . . knowing that you’re hurting . . . ” She paused to take a deep breath. “I love you, too, Eve. But I also understand how much you’re in love with Adam. Do you hear me, Eve? I understand. And, if you need me to step back . . . ”

“No!” I grip her hands. “I don’t want you to step back. It was the possibility of losing you forever that started this chaos in my head.” I stopped, as I realized that was the first time I had come to that conclusion.

“Eve? Did you just have a breakthrough?” the doctor asked curiously.

“I guess I did.”

“Would you like to talk about when that chaos started?”

I glance at Lainey. I haven’t told her exactly what happened when Adam was taken. I didn’t tell her how I had to stand in front of my bloodied and battered husband, his life on the line, and confess to what happened with Lainey. I haven’t told her about how Laurence had tried to force me to kill the man that I love.

“Maybe you should wait until next time when you have a one on one session,” Lainey suggested knowingly.

I squeeze her hand in gratitude.

“I think you’re right,” Dr. Woodrow agreed. “We’re close to our time, as it is. I would like to see the two of you again, if you both agree.”

I stand, taking a step back. “Yes, I think that would be good.”

Lainey nodded. “I’ll do whatever I can to help. If having me here does that, I’ll be here.”

“Good.” Dr. Woodrow smiles at both of us, standing to say our goodbyes. “I hope you both have a good night.”

“I’m surprised, doc. No homework?” I tease.

She chuckled, as did Lainey. “My homework for both of you is to go home to your husbands, try to forget all of this guilt nonsense,” she laughed again at my raised eyebrow. “Yes, I think it’s nonsense. We can’t help how we feel, just how we react to it. You two have done nothing to be guilty about, have you?”

Lainey and I glanced at each other. “No,” we answer together. It’s not that we haven’t thought about it, or at least I have. But I know I’d never hurt Adam like that again. I hope.

“Then go home,” the doc continued. “Forget the guilt, and try to relax. Eve, if you really need homework, try to flesh out your breakthrough.”

“Hmm. Perhaps I’ll just relax with my husband and daughter.” I smile, noting that I even feel a twinge of guilt talking about my husband in front of Lainey. Damn. This situation may very well be the death of me. After everything I’ve been through, it’s love that breaks me.

“Very well. Next time we’ll also discuss what just went through your head.”

The good doctor misses nothing. I just nod, and tell her goodnight. Once we were outside the office, I turn to Lainey.

“Thank you.”

Lainey smiled, leaning in to hug me. “You’re welcome.”

I take a second – just a second – to enjoy Lainey’s arms around me. Then step back once again. “Goodnight,” I whisper.

“Goodnight, Eve.”

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Session Twelve

23 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

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Tags

Adam, control, Eve, Eve Sumptor-Riley, kiss, Lainey, love, love making, sex, therapy, Woodrow

“Good evening, Eve. Adam, it’s nice to see you again.”

I watch as Dr. Woodrow accepts a kiss on the cheek from Adam as I settle in my seat. I haven’t opened my mouth, yet. I’m almost afraid of what will come out. Dr. Woodrow’s gaze shifted from Adam to me and back again. I have no doubt that she can feel the tension that is thick in the air.

“Please, take a seat,” she instructs Adam, sitting in her normal spot, picking up her notebook. “I can’t help but notice there’s some strain between you two. How about we talk about that.”

I feel Adam’s eyes on me, but I refuse to look at him. And, as childish as it is, I remain quiet.

“Eve is upset with me,” Adam sighs. I almost snort a not so nice rebuff, but I don’t.

“Would you like to tell me why, Eve?” The doc watches me for a moment before raising a questioning eyebrow. “Would you like to tell me about it?” she asks Adam.

“I would if I knew.”

“Seriously?!” Yes, that was my first word. Spoken with so much irritation that both of Dr. Woodrow’s eyebrows shot up into her hairline. I turn to Dr. Woodrow. “Ask him what he did when I tried talking to him about our sex life. Like you told me!”

“Adam?”

Adam actually had the good sense to look sheepish and contrite. I wonder if he really thinks he was wrong, or if he just doesn’t like being called out by the ‘principal’.

“We had an argument. I tried being what she needed me to be. I tried . . . ”

“I need you to be you, Adam! I don’t need you to change!”

“If I were all that you needed you wouldn’t have these feelings for Lainey,” he says quietly, though I can plainly hear the accusation in the words.

I stare at him for a moment, afraid to say anything that I’m quite sure I’ll regret later. The best thing I can think to do is walk out. So, I get up and head for the door.

“Eve?” My hand freezes on the doorknob at the doctor’s voice. “Leaving isn’t the answer.”

“With all due respect, doc, leaving may be the best answer right now,” I counter.

“I’m asking that you stay and talk this out. That’s why we’re here.”

I take a deep, cleansing breath before acquiescing. I sit back down, back ram-rod straight, and cross my legs as well as my arms. Totally defensive posture, I know. And, exactly what I’m going for.

“I didn’t mean that, beautiful.”

“Yes you did.”

“No, I didn’t. I just don’t understand. First you say I’m too dominate, now I’m too . . . what is it? Sweet?”

“That’s not what I said, Adam! You’re misunderstanding everything that I said to you.”

“I don’t think I am. You used the dominate excuse for your reason to . . . ”

“I’m going to stop you, Adam,” Dr. Woodrow interjects. “I understand that this can be extremely confusing for you. Both of you. However, instead of jumping to your own conclusions, I think it’s best if we discuss this in a rational manner.”

Adam nods, as do I.

“Eve? Would you like to explain to Adam what you meant?”

I bite back the sigh that’s fighting to get out. I’ve tried explaining this to Adam for the past week. Ever since he got pissy about me saying something about our lovemaking.

“He thinks . . . ”

Dr. Woodrow raises a hand to stop me. “Talk to Adam, not me,” she says gently.

This time I couldn’t hold back the sigh. I turn in my seat and face my husband.

“Adam.” I pause, trying to figure out my words. “When you were here with me and you asked why I was with Lainey, I told you it was because I felt more control with her. I didn’t mean just . . . sexually. And, I certainly wasn’t complaining when I said you were dominate. I love how you are with me. I love when you lose control. Adam, I never wanted you to change the way you make love with me.”

“Then why, Eve? Why Lainey?”

“I don’t know!” I run my hand through my hair, jumping out of my seat to pace. “Don’t you think I would stop these feelings if I knew how? Jesus, Adam, I can’t fucking paint. I’m hurting you, and that’s killing me!”

Adam stands and steps into my path, wrapping his arms tightly around me. The gesture annoys me at first, as I want to just run away and lose myself in my art. Then I remember I can’t, and I’m even more annoyed. When Adam’s arms tighten even more, I lose that annoyance and feel guilt and sorrow flowing through me. To my utter embarrassment, my breath hitches on a sob. If that wasn’t bad enough for me, my legs give out and Adam sinks to the floor with me, rocking me gently.

“It’s okay, beautiful,” he murmurs close to my ear. “I’ve got you.”

If I could stop crying, I would in a heartbeat. I feel so vulnerable and weak as uncontrollable sobs rack my body. I remember the last time I cried like this. It was when I lied to Lainey, saying she meant nothing to me, and told Adam we were over. I wonder if Woodrow would give me a prescription. Just something to get rid of this pain inside. No, Eve. Don’t think like that. That part of your life is over.

After a moment, my vision cleared enough to see that Dr. Woodrow had joined us on the floor and was currently holding a box of Kleenex out to me.

“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from crying.

“I know you don’t like feeling like this, Eve. But this was good for you,” she says softly.

I wonder if my glare is as intimidating when I have red, puffy eyes. This certainly doesn’t feel like it’s good for me.

“It doesn’t feel good, I know, but it is.” There she goes again, reading my damn mind.

“I hate this,” I whisper.

“I’m so sorry, beautiful. I should’ve listened better.”

“Don’t do that, Adam. You can’t take all of the blame for this.” God, I wish my voice wasn’t so weak. “I can’t explain it to myself, how can I possibly explain it to you?”

“Eve, I handled this all wrong. I let my ego replace my good sense, and I hurt you because of it.”

Dr. Woodrow still sat next to us – on the floor – but said nothing. I suppose she’s letting us work it out ourselves.

“I never meant to bruise your ego, baby. I only tried to explain that I didn’t need you to change.” I lift my hand to his cheek. “I love you the way you are. I love the way you make love to me. None of that has ever been a problem.” I pause again when I remember a conversation I once had with Lainey. “I once told Lainey that she was ‘safe’ for me.”

Adam frowned. “Meaning?”

“Meaning I knew neither of us could give ourselves fully to one another. I knew she is in love with her husband, and I’m in love with you. But I didn’t know how to give myself to you. I was able to open myself up to Lainey because I knew her life belonged to someone else.”

“But I thought you told me she almost left her husband for you.”

I shake my head. “No. She thought maybe she wanted that, but I knew it wouldn’t happen.”

“So, why did that make it easier for you?”

I shrug. “I don’t really know. Perhaps because I knew there wasn’t a chance that I could lose myself with her.” I look to Dr. Woodrow for confirmation, and she nods.

“Do you feel like that with me? That you could lose yourself?”

“I do lose myself with you. In you. That’s not a bad thing, but at the time, it scared the shit out of me.”

“And, your feelings for Lainey are the way they are because she was the first one that you allowed yourself to be open with?” Adam asks, and to my surprise, there wasn’t reproach only curiosity.

I shrug again.

“If I may?” Dr. Woodrow cuts in, then continues when I nod. “It took a lot for Eve to be honest about her past. In order for her to be able to do that, she had to have immense trust in that person, as well as a feeling of complete safety. Please don’t take this as an insult to how Eve felt about you. Truth of the matter is, Eve’s feelings for you were too strong for her at the time. That, coupled with her fear that she wasn’t good enough for you, caused her to back away from you.”

“Did you not feel that with Lainey?”

I sigh. “What I feel for Lainey is strong, but my love for you eclipses anything I’ve ever known. It’s overwhelming sometimes. In a good way,” I add hastily. “Don’t change because you think it’ll change the way I feel for Lainey. I have to work that out on my own. But I don’t want what I feel for you to change. Love me the way you always have. With passion, baby.”

Adam lowers his forehead to mine. “It scared me when you wanted to talk to me about our love making. I felt inadequate, no matter what I did, I felt like it wasn’t enough.”

“I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to feel that way. I should’ve been more clear.”

He leans forward, brushing his lips to mine. Forgetting where we were, I deepen the kiss, feeling that oh so wonderful feeling of arousal.

“Ahem. I think that this would be a good place to stop for tonight,” Dr. Woodrow states, standing up. “At least my part in it,” she chuckles.

Adam laughs as well, and, I’m blushing again. “Sorry,” I murmur.

Adam stands, reaching his hand out to mine, helping me up. He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him. “We needed this, Dr. Woodrow. Thank you.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” she smiles. “Just remember that stubbornness and ego do not help the situation.” She looks pointedly at both of us. Apparently I’m the stubborn one. “You two can choose whether the next session will be together or just Eve.”

“Thank you,” I tell her, walking to the door. I stop when I hear her call my name.

“A session with Lainey would help as well,” she reminds me.

I feel Adam stiffen for a moment, before relaxing against me again. I nod to her, glancing at Adam. When he winks at me, I know he’s okay, and we’re on our way home to finish what we started. I hope he is in the mood to go back to the way he was before. I know I certainly am.

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Session Eleven

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam, Eve, Lainey, love, love making, orgasms, sex, therapy, vulnerable, Woodrow

“Sorry I’m late.” I take off my jacket and sit in the chair in front of Dr. Woodrow. I am so tired that, for once, I wish she had a couch that is so cliché for psychiatrists’ offices. Then again, I would probably just fall asleep if she did.

“It’s alright. Thank you for calling to let me know.” Dr. Woodrow smiles kindly before continuing. “I see you’re here alone. I thought Adam wanted to attend another session.”

“He does. He will. However, Bella wasn’t feeling well, so he stayed home with her tonight.”

“The poor dear. Will she be okay?”

I smile at the doctor. “Yes. A bit of a cold, I’m afraid. At least her temperature is leveling off.” Suddenly, I find it a bit odd that we’re sitting here talking about everyday things as though we were friends. Which, I suppose we are to some degree. It isn’t like we haven’t seen each other outside of the sessions. In fact, Dr. Woodrow has purchased a few pieces of art from me, and she and her husband have attended many functions with Adam and me.

“Is it uncomfortable to speak to me as a friend, Eve?”

I blink at her for a moment.

“It’s uncomfortable that you seem to be able to read my mind,” I respond teasingly.

“Have I?” she chuckles.

“I was just thinking that it was odd to speak to you about other things besides my problems. But no, it’s not uncomfortable.”

“Good. Would you like to tell me about your week? How were things between you and Adam after our session?”

“Um, quiet,” I confess. “First, my week has been busy. Auctions, speaking with artists about shows, charity functions. All very normal for me. But what hasn’t been normal is my and Adam’s love making,” I finish quietly.

“What do you mean?”

I hesitate for a moment, trying to find the words to express what has been going on in the bedroom.

“I think Adam took what we discussed here a little to personally. He feels like he’s been too dominate in our love making, and he’s . . . changed. Not that it hasn’t been wonderful,” I add hastily. “It’s just been different.”

“Different how?”

“He’s very gentle. Passionate.” I let out a frustrated sigh. I’m not explaining this right. “He’s been that way before, and I love it. What I’m trying to say is that he hasn’t been, um . . . ”

“He doesn’t dominate you anymore?”

I actually blush a little. I didn’t think that could happen anymore after all I’ve been through.

“No, he doesn’t. It hasn’t been rough or dominating or reckless. It’s like he’s consciously making the effort not to lose control. He’s holding back.”

“Have you discussed this with him?”

“No,” I sigh. “I want to, but I don’t want him to think I’m not enjoying the sex we are having. I am. I just . . . ” my voice trails off, and I hang my head.

“Eve, it’s understandable that you would want your sex life to continue the way it was. I don’t think you’re complaining, and I don’t think Adam would see it that way either. Communication is imperative in any relationship. If you don’t tell him how you feel, how will he know? Are you still climaxing or have you had to . . . ”

I didn’t think I would ever see the day that Dr. Woodrow would blush. Surely this isn’t the first time she’s talked about this subject. That aside, I think I know what she’s trying to ask and I’m quick to answer.

“I have never faked it with Adam. I never have to and I never will. Yes, he still gives me orgasms this way. Like I said, it’s still wonderful. But I don’t want him to hold back anymore. I want him to be who he is. And sometimes that person loses control, and I love that.”

“Then I suggest you speak to him about it. Let him know that when we had our session, you weren’t complaining about anything with him. It sounds to me as though he’s scared. That maybe if he gives you what he thinks Lainey gives you, you won’t have to have those feelings for her anymore.”

“Ugh!” I slump a little in my seat and lean my head back. “That’s not even what it is. At least not all of it! I don’t know why I’m drawn to Lainey. Believe me, I’ve tried to stop it, but I can’t. Adam changing things in the bedroom with me isn’t going to help.”

“And that’s what you need to tell him,” Dr. Woodrow suggests. “May I ask you a question?”

I chuckle. “Isn’t that sort of your job?”

“I suppose it is,” she smiles. “Was sex with Lainey as fulfilling for you as it seems to be with Adam?”

Oh God. Don’t ask me that! “Um . . . ”

“You know you don’t have to answer, Eve,” she says gently as I’m sure she sees the reluctance in my face.

“Please don’t write this down in your notebook.”

Dr. Woodrow closes her leather bound notebook, and lays it and her pen to the side.

“It was different,” I begin. “Sex with Lainey is – was – beautiful. Yes, it was fulfilling, and exciting. Being with Adam is exquisite. He’s powerful and talented. Sincere and loving. It’s extremely fulfilling.” I bring my legs up, curling them under me in the chair. I wonder if Armani envisioned one of his power suits being used in such a childish way. “It would be so much easier if the sex hadn’t been wonderful.”

“With Lainey or Adam?” Dr. Woodrow asks softly.

Well, isn’t that the million dollar question. I’m a coward. I know this, I accept this. And because I’m a coward, I refuse to answer that question.

“I want things to go back to the way they were with Adam,” I say instead.

“The only way that will happen, Eve, is if you tell him how you feel. I realize that talking about your feelings is difficult for you. You’ve held them in for most of your life. But if you want your marriage to work, you have to be honest with each other.”

Just the idea that my marriage could be in trouble makes me shiver with dread. I love Adam so much. So why in the hell do I still have feelings for Lainey?

“How are things with Lainey?” Dr. Woodrow asks, interrupting my internal chastising.

“Good. Fine.”

“Eve?”

Sigh.

“We’re fine. We’re still close, but there are moments when there’s awkwardness between us. We’re trying to get back to the friendship we had before we . . . ” Before we what? Ruined it? Made a mistake? Why don’t I feel like being with Lainey was a mistake? Perhaps it was wrong because she’s married, and I was with Adam. Do I regret it? I can’t.

“Can you tell me what just went through your mind?”

“I was trying to think of being with Lainey as a mistake. I was trying to regret it.”

“But you can’t,” she guesses.

“No. I can’t.” I hate that even though I don’t regret it, my voice still carries a bit of guilt.

“I don’t think that’s wrong, Eve. You did what your heart told you to do at the time.” She smiles at my raised eyebrow. “I’m not an advocator of cheating,” she says gently. “But I can’t find fault in something that helped both you and Lainey so tremendously.”

“Helped me so much I can’t paint.”

“I don’t think your affair with Lainey is what caused you to stop painting, Eve.”

My eyes snap up to hers. Had I really said that out loud? “You don’t think it plays a part?”

“Actually, no. Perhaps Adam finding out the way he did plays a small part, but I think everything concerning your past, your parents, Agent Donovan and Laurence is what is blocking you. Your love for Lainey and Adam opened up your ability to let those deeply buried feelings out. That’s not a bad thing, you just need to learn how to manage it.”

“They’re all dead. What am I still fearing?” I whisper.

“You.”

“Me?”

“I’ve gotten to know you pretty well, Eve. You’re very good at showing that confident, strong side. When people look at you, they see a powerful, successful woman. Inside, you don’t feel that way all the time. Your fear is being the victim you were all those years ago. Your fear is that you’ll be weak enough to let all of this take away the confidence you so carefully built. When you buried those emotions a long time ago, that was your defense. Now they’re out in the open, and it has left you feeling vulnerable.”

“I hate it.”

She chuckles. “I know you do. But it’s a process you have to go through. Eve, you have people who love you and want to help you. You’re not alone in this. Don’t be afraid to lean on those people. Remember, it’s not weakness to need help.”

I take a deep breath. “I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all anyone can ask,” Dr. Woodrow smiles, then looks at her watch. “Would you like to stop here?”

“Yes.”

“Very well. Perhaps Bella will be feeling better next time, and Adam can attend with you. But until then, Eve, talk to him. Don’t make him have to figure this out on his own.”

“I will talk to him. I promise.”

“Good. Perhaps you should just attack him tonight. Let him know that slow and gentle isn’t what you need all the time.”

I laugh heartily as I make my way to the door. “Why Dr. Woodrow, I’m shocked! Who knew you had it in you?” I tease.

“It’s always the quiet ones,” she smirks. “Good night, Eve.”

“Good night, doc.”

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Session Ten

11 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam, betrayal, confessions, control, Eve, guilt, Lainey, love, safe

“Adam, it’s so nice to see you, again.” Dr. Woodrow took Adam’s hand as he leaned in to kiss her gently on the cheek.

“It’s good to see you, Dr. Woodrow.” His deep voice reverberates through me, even though he’s speaking softly. I’ve always loved my husband’s voice. I find it soothing, not to mention incredibly sexy.

“Hello, Eve.”

I give the doctor a small smile. It’s all I can muster up at the moment since I don’t trust my voice. I’m always nervous when I come here, but having Adam here intensifies that nervousness tenfold. Adam sits next to me, immediately grasping my hand, and begins rubbing my knuckles with his thumb.

The silence is uncomfortable to me, but I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m certainly not going to be the one spilling my guts first. I see Dr. Woodrow watch me for a while, scribble something in that damn notebook, and then turn to Adam.

“Do you know why I asked you to come here, Adam?”

Great. Perfect way to start the conversation by making me feel guilty for not discussing this in more detail with Adam. But honestly? What would I have said?

“Eve didn’t say much about it, just that you wanted to see both me and Lainey.”

Now, it could have just been my imagination, but I could have sworn that Adam’s voice shook as he mentioned Lainey’s name.

“I had no idea what to say,” I defend myself, irritably. “I told you that she wanted to speak with us together because that’s what she said.”

“I didn’t mean anything by that, beautiful. I was just answering the question honestly.” He squeezes my hand gently before turning back to the doctor. “I’m willing to discuss anything you think would help.”

I instantly regret my little outburst. He’s here trying to help me, and all I can do is be a bitch.

“Eve?” Crap. “Would you like to tell Adam why you asked Lainey about these sessions first?”

Uh, no! Sigh. “Can’t you?” Yes, I’m being childish, and that only serves to piss me off more. This isn’t who I am! After everything I’ve been through in my life, I’ve learned to be strong. Why do I feel so vulnerable with Adam here? And, why does it scare me so much to have him see me that way?

Dr. Woodrow stares at me for a long moment, and writes more in her notebook. “I saw a lot of emotions on your face just then, Eve. Why don’t you say what you just felt out loud?”

Wow. She really is trying to destroy me. Okay, so I know she’s not, but it sure as hell feels like it right now.

“I don’t like feeling vulnerable,” I whisper low enough that Adam had to lean closer to hear me.

“Eve. You’re safe here. No one in this room wants to hurt you,” Dr. Woodrow says softly. “Adam wants to help. Look at him and tell him how you feel.”

I consider giving the good doctor a death stare, but decide against it since she’s in no way intimidated by me. Hell, if I met the “me” in here, I wouldn’t be intimidated either. So, I turn to my husband, seeing nothing but compassion and love in his eyes.

“This isn’t who you fell in love with. This shell of a woman that can’t paint, who isn’t strong, and is scared all the time. I didn’t want you to come here because I didn’t want you to see me this way. I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what, beautiful?” Adam’s eyes are glimmering with unshed tears. It reminds me that the last time I saw him cry was when he found out I had betrayed him.

“Afraid that you won’t love this person,” I barely whisper.

Adam drops to his knees in front of me. “Eve, do you think my love for you is that superficial?”

He pauses long enough for me to answer, so I shake my head.

“When we got married and I said my vows, I meant every one of them. For better or worse. I love you unconditionally, beautiful. When you’re strong, I’ll stand beside you. If you need help, I’ll be there to hold you. Let me in, Eve. Please?”

A tear slides down my cheek and he lovingly brushes it away with his thumb.

“I’m so sorry.” My voice breaks and I fight to control the sob I know wants to get loose. “I don’t mean to shut you out, I just . . . ”

“You just find it easier to be open with Lainey?”

To my surprise, I don’t hear any accusation or resentment in his voice. I shrug.

“And, is that why you . . . had the affair?” Now I hear the hurt, and it tears me apart.

I don’t know how to answer that question. How do I tell my husband that I’m inexplicably drawn to someone else, even though I love him with all my heart? Hell, even I don’t understand it.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

He studies me for a minute, then nods. “I can’t say that I enjoy seeing how close you still are with Lainey, beautiful. It makes me feel like an outsider sometimes. And, I’ll admit that I sometimes feel insecure, and untrusting.”

“I haven’t slept with her!” I tell him hastily. “I swear!”

“But you still think about her that way,” he says sadly. “I can see it. I’m trying to understand, Eve.”

“May I say something,” Dr. Woodrow interjects. When Adam sat back in his chair to face her, she continued. “From what I’ve been able to determine, Eve is as confused with her feelings as you are, Adam. She knows she loves you, and that she doesn’t want to hurt you. But, if I may, she feels a certain kind of protection from Lainey.” She quickly raises her hand when Adam begins to speak. “I’m not saying she doesn’t feel safe with you. I’m saying that she is able to let down these barriers with Lainey because Eve feels in control in that relationship.”

My brow furrows as I listen to the doctor. Do I feel control with Lainey? I am the one who pursued her. Adam pursued me. Lainey was the inexperienced one with me. Adam taught me what making love really was, and all the different ways to do it.

“Because she’s a woman?” Adam asks.

“No,” I answer. “I’ve been hurt by a woman.” I thought of how Madame Bussiere used to treat me. Use me. Beat me. “It’s because of who she is, and our dynamic. With you and me, you’re more dominant.”

“So I shouldn’t be that way?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying, baby. Look,” I sigh and run my hand through my blonde hair. “I’m not really clear on all of this, yet. It’s just, something clicked with me when Dr. Woodrow said what she said.”

Adam looked at the doctor. “I would like to come back to discuss this further. Can I do that?”

Wow. That hurt. These are my sessions, and yet he doesn’t ask me how I feel about him coming to more of them. That control thing really does have some relevance.

“You should ask Eve that question,” Dr. Woodrow admonishes gently.

He looks downright contrite as he turns to me again. “Damn. I should have asked you. I’m so sorry, beautiful. Forgive me?”

I nod silently.

“May I come back, Eve? I really would like to explore this further. And, if I’m doing something that makes you shut me out, I would like to change that. Please, baby?”

“I think that would be good,” I answer softly.

He grins that lopsided grin I love so much. “Thank you. And, if you need Lainey to come in before that, I don’t mind. Or if you need us both here . . . ”

“No! I’m not ready for that!” The fear must be evident in my voice and my eyes, as he places his hand on my thigh, and rubs it gently.

“Okay. You tell me what you need, when you need it. I’ll accommodate you. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“I think that’s a good place to end tonight,” Dr. Woodrow announces as she glances at her watch. “I don’t want to give you homework, but if you do decide to keep talking, make sure you listen completely to each other without judgment. Honestly, I think you should just go home and hold each other.”

“That’s homework I can do,” Adam tells her with a smile.

“Sounds good to me,” I agree. “I’ll see you next time, Doc.”

Dr. Woodrow smiles at both of us. “Goodnight you two.”

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Session Nine

09 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam, betrayal, confessions, Eve, fear, guilt, kiss, Lainey, love, vulnerable

“Hello, Eve.”

Dr. Woodrow greets me with a friendly smile as I sit down in front of her. Her office has always been relaxing to me. It’s painted in a mute mint color and the furnishings are understated, yet impeccable. Like the doctor herself. Just being here brings me a feeling of peace.

Today, however, I feel agitated. I don’t really want to be here. I don’t want to talk about my past. I don’t want to be vulnerable.

“Doctor.”

She tilts her head and studies me long enough to make me fidget. I hate it when she does that. I don’t want her to see into my soul.

“Are you having a bad day?” she asks gently.

“Not really,” I lie. In reality, it’s been a tough day. I chose today to ask Lainey if she would be willing to come in for a session. I sigh inwardly as I remember what happened.

“Can you tell me what the sigh was for?”

I look up sharply. I hadn’t realized I had sighed out loud.

“Today I asked Lainey if she would be willing to come in for a session,” I explain.

“I see. How did that go?”

I sigh again. “It was fine. She was hesitant at first, but asked if it would help me if she did.” I look at the doctor. “I really don’t know if it will, but since you suggested it, I said yes.”

“I think it will,” she states, then waits for me to continue.

“She agreed. I thanked her by hugging her. I didn’t think about it, it was just natural for me.”

“Eve. Lainey is your best friend. Why wouldn’t you feel natural hugging her?”

“Because of everything that has happened between us.”

“I don’t think you should withhold all affection because of that. In fact, I think that would be harmful for you both. It would put an even bigger strain on your relationship.”

“The strain my affection for Lainey puts on Adam is killing me,” I mutter.

She frowns a bit. “Did something else happen between you and Lainey?”

I feel tears start to fill my eyes, and I blink rapidly to keep them at bay. I’m sure I don’t fool the doc, though, since I see her writing in her notebook.

“Eve?”

“I almost kissed her.” My confession was said so fast that it almost sounded like a five syllable word.

“I see.”

“What does that mean? What do you see?” I ask irritably. “Please tell me, because I don’t see! I’m in love with my husband! What is it that draws me to Lainey? Please. Help me.” My plea sounds pathetic to my own ears, I can only imagine what the doctor thinks of me.

“Eve, what you felt for Lainey is not going to just go away. It doesn’t just stop. She was the first person you trusted completely. Lainey is the one that helped you begin to break down the walls you built around you.”

I shake my head. “I am married, doc. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. Lainey is married. What we feel is wrong.”

Dr. Woodrow did something she rarely does. She showed her emotions. Her eyes flashed with what I thought was annoyance, and her fingers clenched her pen.

“Eve.” She takes a deep breath, and I can only assume it’s to calm herself down. “You have this notion in your head that life and relationships are black and white. You are letting this guilt about having feelings for Lainey consume you. We will not be able to move forward until you can forgive yourself for being human.”

“Adam walked in when I was hugging Lainey,” I confess softly. “The look on his face shattered me. He tried to hide it, even tried smiling at both of us, but I saw it. I saw the distrust and sadness. How do I forgive myself for that?”

“Did you explain to him why you were hugging Lainey?”

“Of course. But I think it only made things worse.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I asked Lainey before asking him.” I leaned forward, putting my elbows on my knees and burying my face in my hands.

“Why do you think you did that?” dr. Woodrow asks while writing down notes. When I shrug, she continues. “You do know. Don’t come up with an answer that you think will satisfy me, tell me the truth.”

“Because I hate when Adam sees me vulnerable,” I confide. “I know he asked me to come here and talk to you, but knowing that and actually having him here to see me . . . like this . . . ” my voice trails off as that thought makes me extremely uncomfortable.

“How do you think it makes Adam feel when you shut him out like that?”

I know her question wasn’t meant to be mean, but it still felt as though I had just been slugged in the gut. “This isn’t who he fell in love with,” I murmur.

“I beg to differ, Eve. You, are exactly who he fell in love with. Flaws and all. You are also the one he stood beside during everything that happened. Even after learning of your feelings for Lainey.” When I didn’t respond, Dr. Woodrow sighed, wrote a note, and looked up at me again. “Did you ask Adam if he’s willing to sit in on a session?”

“Yes.”

“What did he say?”

“He readily agreed.” I raise my head and look at the doc solemnly. “He deserves so much more. He would be better off with someone who can give him all he deserves without all the damn problems.”

“Eve, you just told me that you love Adam with every fiber of your being. You are not whole at the moment, for many different, very legitimate reasons. I think Adam realizes that. You both deserve to live and love without the past hindering you. But I don’t think Adam would be better off without you.” She reaches over and places a comforting hand on my forearm. “He would not be happy without you, Eve. I’ve seen you two together outside of the office enough to know that. You need to give both of you a chance. I would like to see you and Adam next time. Are you ready for that?”

“Adam first?” I ask hesitantly. I want to work this out, and I want Adam to know that I love him completely. But it’s still hard for me to let my vulnerable side show.

“Yes. I think Adam needs this as much as you do, Eve. I believe that one of the reasons you still feel so drawn to Lainey is because you’re still closing a part of yourself off to Adam. A part that you still feel safe only showing Lainey.”

I consider that, then nod. Maybe she’s right. Hell, she is a psychiatrist. Am I ready for this?

“I will ask if he will join me next time.”

Dr. Woodrow smiled brightly. Maybe she thinks this is a breakthrough. I sure hope so. These conflicting feelings, plus not being able to paint is beginning to wear thin.

“Very good. I look forward to speaking with you both next session.” She stands, as do I. “It will be okay, Eve. Remember you’re safe here. Adam wants to be there for you, I think you know that.”

I nod. I do know that. I just have to let him in.

“Thank you, doctor. Have a good night.”

“Goodnight, Eve.”

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Session Eight

09 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abuse, Adam, Agent Donovan, betrayal, Eve, Lainey, Laurence

Disclaimer: Please be advised that the following session has bad language and talks about sexual abuse. 

“Let’s discuss the night you decided to turn yourself in, Eve.”

I flinch a little thinking about that night. Not only because of what happened to me, but because it makes me think of the two people who almost destroyed me. My father was a terrible man, but what Laurence did to me, and ultimately what Billy did nearly broke me. Hell, maybe it has broken me.

“Okay,” I say softly, but don’t continue. I don’t know how, or if I want to.

Dr. Woodrow sat quietly, waiting me out. She was extremely unnerving. Most people are intimidated by me, but she certainly isn’t. Sigh.

“Laurence and his buddies finished with me, and I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to take my chances with the authorities. I thought it couldn’t get much worse than what happened to me. Even if they threw me in jail, it would have been better than what happened to me.” I pause. “Death would have been better,” I whisper.

“Let’s go over what happened to you,” Dr. Woodrow prodded gently.

“Do we have to?”

“Of course not. But I think it would help you.”

“How?”

“Call it a cleansing of the soul. A purging of all of the horrible things that happened to you.”

“I’ve already told Adam and Lainey. Shouldn’t my soul be cleansed by now?” I smirk.

She cocked her head to one side and regarded me until I was shifting in my seat from uneasiness.

“When is the last time you had a nightmare about that night?” she asks.

Crap. My night terrors have, or had, all but stopped after I told Adam and Lainey what had happened to me. But after what happened with Laurence and Billy, they’ve made a sporadic comeback much to my, and Adam’s, disappointment. Obviously my soul still needs some cleansing.

“Two nights ago,” I admit grudgingly.

“Same one as usual?”

“Yes.”

“And it’s about that night?” I nod. “Is it a memory?” I nod again. “So, not a nightmare necessarily. You are defenseless when you are sleeping. You cannot keep your brain from recalling those events. What we’re trying to do is make your brain believe that it is over and those men cannot hurt you anymore.”

“I already know that,” I say defensively.

“Yes, you do. But your defenseless brain has not made that connection yet,” Dr. Woodrow counters. “You’re still holding on to it. Holding on to everything. By doing that, you are keeping a part of yourself closed off to everyone. Including your daughter.”

I want to argue. I want to yell that I love my daughter with all my heart. And while that’s true, I know what the doctor is saying is true. I hold back. The realization of that makes a tear escape and roll down my cheek. Dr. Woodrow silently hands me a tissue, then writes something in her notebook. I wonder what the sight of me crying means to her.

“It was my seventeenth birthday,” I begin quietly. “All I wanted to do was paint. I had already decided by then that I wanted out of that life, but I didn’t know how. I was going to take that night to come up with a plan. But then Laurence showed up.” I shudder, going back to that night. “He had three men with him, and had paid Bussiere to disappear. He watched as the other men . . . ”

“Take your time, Eve. And remember, you’re safe here. No one can hurt you.”

I take a deep breath. “Two of them held me down. They didn’t need to, I didn’t struggle. I knew from before that if I struggled, it would be worse. But it didn’t matter to them. They wanted it rough. They wanted to hurt me. They wanted me to struggle. When I just laid there, I would get slapped. I still didn’t fight back. So they hit me again and again until I finally tried to block them. They laughed then. I heard Laurence say ‘finally’, but I didn’t understand what it meant at that time. He walked over to me, grabbed my hair and pulled me towards him. He told me that he bought me, and I will give him what he wants. I tried to tell him I wasn’t fighting, but he just hit me again and yelled at me. ‘Fight back, bitch! If I wanted a wet noodle, I’d be fucking my wife!‘.”

God. I don’t know if I can do this. It occurs to me then that I had never gone into detail with either Lainey or Adam. They know I was brutalized, but they have no idea what actually happened.

“I fought back. I hit, kicked, bucked with all my might. It only seemed to spur them on, make them more brutal. I was so torn. A part of me wanted to stop fighting because I knew it’s what they wanted. And another part of me wished that I was stronger. I wanted to hurt them. But they were too strong for me, and they would rotate. Two would hold me down, while the other did what they wanted to me. It didn’t matter to them if I was bleeding, if . . . if I had never been taken a certain way, if I were trembling with pain. They just kept going. Then, Laurence decided it was his turn. He waited until I was barely conscious and did things to me that . . . ”

“Okay, Eve. That’s enough,” Dr. Woodrow said kindly. “No one should ever have to go through what you went through. Especially a child.”

I noted that her knuckles were white where she clutched her pen. It was as though she were trying to rein in her own emotions as she listened to my tale. She took a breath, and I imagine she’s attempting to calm herself before continuing.

“How did you get away?”

“Bussiere came in to check on me after they . . . finished. It was the only time she looked even mildly ashamed. She helped me clean up, promising that I would have the next day off. Not that I believed her since I should have been alone that night, but perhaps she thought no one would want me since I was bruised and battered.”

I took the offered tissue from Dr. Woodrow, dabbing my eyes that keep leaking with tears for my teenage self.

“Thank you,” I murmur. “Anyway, Bussiere left my door unlocked that night. Maybe she didn’t think I was in any shape to try and escape. Or perhaps she was disturbed enough to forget,” I said, and I know my voice is tinged with disbelief. Bussiere had kept pictures from that night, she couldn’t have been that disturbed. “When I didn’t hear the lock click, I waited until I knew Bussiere would be asleep, and I left. I didn’t take anything with me, I just ran. I don’t know how I made it miles away with the way I was feeling, but I was finally far enough away to feel marginally safe and called . . . Agent Donovan.”

“How did he act with you back then?” She asked cautiously.

“At first he was annoyed with me because I had made him look like a fool letting a fourteen year old get away from him. Then we became friends. I knew at one point that he was becoming infatuated, but I never encouraged him. I liked him, and with the way I was feeling about the opposite sex at that time, I decided it was better for him if I didn’t get involved with him.”

“Did he become belligerent at any time because of your decision?”

“By that time I had begun drinking heavily, taking pills, smoking and doing my own kind of revenge. I don’t think I paid much attention to him. Maybe he resented me for that. I don’t know. He was always kind to me, helping me. That’s why when he did what he did, I was . . . shocked. Completely stunned. He hurt me so much by what he did. I thought he was my friend.”

“I certainly don’t know the Agent Donovan’s psyche at the time he did this to you, Eve, so I can only speculate.”

“Anything is better than nothing, I suppose.”

“Well, I believe he thought of himself as your protector.”

“Protector!” I shout. “Some protector! He nearly got me killed! He would have killed Adam!”

“Eve, please.” Dr. Woodrow lifted her hands in a calming gesture. “First, I wasn’t finished. Second, I told you this is only an opinion based on what I know of the case and what you’ve told me.”

“Sorry.” I hung my head sheepishly.

“It is understandable for you to find anything positive said about this man to be offensive to you. Just let me finish the thought, and if you want to discuss, we will.”

I nod.

“You were young when he came in contact with you. He was an FBI agent assigned to keep you safe. When you ran away, it affected him. When you called him to turn yourself in, he became your protector again. He watched you become a woman. It’s no secret that you’re a beautiful woman, Eve. You have admirers everywhere. I can only imagine Agent Donovan became one himself, then became dismayed by your continued disinterest.”

“But he was married,” I argue. “He moved on.”

“Do you believe that? You called him when you were in trouble, correct?”

“Yes,” I mutter. This was all my fault. If I hadn’t called Donovan when my father was after me, Adam would never had been put in danger.

“I can see you beginning to blame yourself for Agent Donovan’s actions.”

My eyes widened. How could she possibly?

“You have a very expressive face, Eve. What Agent Donovan did was not your fault. I mentioned you calling him because I imagine it brought him back to being your protector, even after he became married and had children. He never let you go. He may have continued on with his life had you not contacted him, but I honestly believe he would have reached out to you at some point. Especially if he had read about your marriage to Adam.”

“But why? Why couldn’t he just move on with his life? We never had anything. I told him I wasn’t interested. He was a part of a time in my life I didn’t want to remember.”

“Obsession,” she answered matter-of-factly. “Some people have the mindset to move on. Others let it consume them. Agent Donovan let it consume him until he believed he was the only one that could keep you safe and make you happy.”

“I can’t be sorry he’s dead. I’ve tried. But Adam was hurt, and my marriage was almost destroyed. If Laurence hadn’t deviated from the plan, Donovan would have let Adam be killed. I can’t forgive him for that.”

“By not forgiving him, you are keeping him close.”

“Then tell me how I let go.”

“Only you can do that. When you are ready,” she answered softly. “You don’t have to feel bad that he is gone, but you need to let go, Eve. Let him go. Let Laurence go. Let Tony go.” She placed a gentle hand on mine. “Let the past go. I know that is easier said than done, but it is something that we will continue to work on. Okay?”

I nod.

Dr. Woodrow leaned back in her chair, and studied me for a moment. “I would like to ask you something before we finish for the night.”

“Okay.”

“How would you feel about having Lainey and Adam join you for a session? Separately of course,” she said quickly when she saw I was clearly panicking.

“I – I don’t know.”

“That’s alright. I know it would be difficult for you, and possibly for Adam and Lainey, but I think it would be beneficial for all of you.” She waited, but I don’t respond. She sighed softly then said, “Will you at least think about it? If you feel you might be able to do it, then talk to both Adam and Lainey and see how they would feel. Is that okay?”

“Yes. I will think about it. I promise.”

“Good. Now I know tonight was extremely difficult for you, so my advice is to go home, take a relaxing bath and let Adam hold you.”

I smile slightly. “That sounds like something I can do. I’ll see you next week, Doc.”

“Next week. Goodnight, Eve.”

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Session Seven

19 Thursday Jun 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam, betrayal, Eve, fear, guilt, Lainey, love

“Welcome back, Eve.”

I smile at Dr. Woodrow, but don’t say anything. For some reason I’m nervous to be back here in her office. After coming back from Italy with Lainey, seeing Dr. Woodrow is effectively making me feel . . . well, like I need a shrink.

“You are very pensive today. Would you like to tell me what’s going on in your head?” Dr. Woodrow’s tone held no judgment, but I still couldn’t help but feel guilty. I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything wrong.

“Not really.” The words came out sharper than I intended and I cringe inwardly. Damn it get in control, Eve!

Dr. Woodrow studies me for a bit, making me shift uncomfortably in my seat.

“Very well, how about you tell me about your trip?”

“What about it?”

The doctor let out a small sigh as she sat back and crossed her legs. Placing her ever present notebook on her knee, she silently writes notes.

“What do you write?” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.

“Pardon?”

“In your notebook. Do you write about how crazy you think I am?” Okay, so the question was completely childish, and I could kick myself for asking. But it’s out now, so I wait for her answer.

“Do you believe I think you’re crazy?”

My nostrils flare with frustration. The standard answer a question with a question is irritating!

“Are you going to answer my question, Doc, or just continue jotting whatever it is you’re jotting?”

“Does this bother you?” She asks instead of answering, lifting her notebook. She then lifts her hands in a placating gesture when she sees me getting angrier. “Alright, Eve. If you’re truly curious, I’m writing notes about you. I don’t record the sessions for security reasons. When I take notes, I’m basically noting what your reaction to something is. The animation of your face, whether you laugh or cry, whether you cringe or smile. Your eyes hold many answers that you don’t say out loud. If you would like to read them, you’re welcome to. But I do not believe you’re crazy. In fact, I believe you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”

“Right,” I snort.

“Why do you doubt that?”

“Because I’m here. Obviously I’m not strong enough to get over whatever it is that’s keeping me from painting.”

“Eve, what you have been through would make a lot of people give up living all together. You not only lived, but you thrived. That, my dear, is strength. Needing help doesn’t diminish that strength. I actually think it makes you stronger that you have the courage to seek guidance.”

I take a moment to let her words sink in. Do I believe her? I’m not sure, but I’m trying.

“I apologize for my attitude,” I say quietly.

“It’s alright. Would you like to tell me why you were so irritated?”

“I don’t know.” Of course, I’m lying. Well not really lying, but not exactly being completely truthful. Dr. Woodrow says nothing. It’s as though she’s waiting on me to get to the truth. Sigh. “Fine. I’m afraid to learn how you feel about my trip with Lainey.”

Dr. Woodrow’s eyebrows furrow. “Why would you care what I think about that? Eve,” she continues before I could answer, “that wasn’t meant to be a negative question. I honestly would like to know why my opinion on that matters to you.”

“I don’t want you to judge me,” I confess softly.

“Did you do something with Lainey?”

“No! Of course not!”

“So, you believe I would judge you merely for going out of town on business with your associate?”

“Lainey is more than an associate, you know that.”

“You’re right, I do. So that’s why you think I would judge you? Because I know there’s more there?”

“Yes.”

“Eve?” She waited for me to raise my eyes to hers. “Did you want something to happen while you were in Italy?”

I felt the blush creep up my neck, and abruptly stood up to pace. I tried so hard to keep my mind on business while in Italy. I made sure we were never in any situation that could become intimate. When Lainey and I weren’t out working or exploring, I was on the phone with Adam and Bella. Yet, I still felt those familiar feelings when I was with her. And, I hate myself for it.

“I can see you beating yourself up for whatever you were feeling, Eve. I believe that’s a large part of the reason you cannot paint. You are trying to close a part of you because it scares you.”

“I won’t hurt my husband like that.”

“Eve, I’m certainly not telling you to continue your affair with Lainey . . . ”

I whip my head around and stare at Dr. Woodrow with a scowl. “I was not married when Lainey and I were together!”

“You’re right. But she was,” she reminded me gently.

I blew out an exasperated breath, and unceremoniously slumped back into my chair.

“I know, okay. I knew! And, I still pursued her! What kind of person does that?”

“From what I can understand, you didn’t force Lainey to be with you. It takes two, Eve. To be honest with you, I think your relationship was extremely beneficial to both of you.”

“It was wrong!” I exclaim, quite loudly.

“I’m not advocating cheating, Eve,” she explains calmly. “However both of you needed something that no one else was successful in giving. Can you deny that it helped you open your heart to Adam?”

“It almost destroyed us, and now I can’t paint.”

“You’re afraid. Do you feel if you open your heart fully again you’ll fall back into bed with Lainey?”

I was stunned by the doctor’s frankness. “My answer to your first question is yes. When we were in Italy together, I thought about it.”

Dr. Woodrow made another note before looking at me, waiting for me to continue once again.

“I can’t help how I feel about Lainey. She was the first person that made me feel safe. Someone I knew would never hurt me. I didn’t have to be in constant control with her.”

“You didn’t feel that with Adam?”

“I felt more with Adam than with anyone. But I was always hesitant.”

“Can you tell me why?”

“Adam is a wonderful man. He’s intelligent, funny, attentive, extremely sexy. Everything a woman could possibly want in a man.”

“But?”

“I was afraid of losing him if he found out that I was a whore.”

“Eve. I find that description you use for yourself offensive.”

“It’s the truth, Doc.” I shrug, trying for nonchalance. I don’t think she’s buying it. “You can try prettying it up by calling it something else, but if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck . . . ”

“Eve, you were forced! It was completely beyond your control and I do not want you to belittle yourself like that!”

I was startled speechless by her outburst. I know Dr. Woodrow cares about me, she told me as much before. But to hear her so exasperated threw me.

“You’re right,” I concede. “I’ve always used that description as a way to keep myself closed off.”

“I’m apologize for my little outburst there, Eve.”

I wave away her apology. “It’s fine. I was just trying to explain why I felt so different with Adam. He was an extremely jealous person. If someone looked at me for too long he didn’t like it. He was never mean about it, but I thought if he found out about my past he would never forgive me.”

“And Lainey seemed more accepting? Was it easier because she is a woman?”

“Yes. To both questions.” My eyes closed as I thought of the differences between Adam and Lainey. “My fears about Adam were unfounded. He’s the most understanding and loving man. If only I had trusted him before I let my emotions get away from me with Lainey.”

“Playing ‘what if’ never works, Eve. We’re not here to talk about what you should have or shouldn’t have done.”

“I know,” I sigh. “I am afraid.”

“Of letting go again?”

“Yes.” I whisper. Whatever she saw on my face or in my eyes at that moment had her scribbling in her notebook.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this yet, Eve.”

“What did you just write?”

She tilts her head, regarding me for a moment before handing me her notebook.

The subject of Lainey and the feelings that invokes in Eve scares Eve so much I’m afraid she will shut down even more. Take care during this subject.

I hand the notebook back to Dr. Woodrow.

“You saw all of that on my face?”

“In your eyes, yes.”

I sigh deeply. The note was completely correct. When I talk about Lainey I feel like my life is unraveling. I can’t lose Adam. I love him too much. But I can’t lose Lainey, either. My heart starts pounding faster, and I can’t seem to catch my breath.

“Eve?”

“What do I do?” I gasp.

Dr. Woodrow leans towards me and places a gentle hand on my knee. “Relax. We don’t have to figure everything out right now. In fact, when we last spoke we were supposed to talk about the time you turned yourself in and left Paris.”

Hard subject, but not nearly as difficult as talking about Lainey. So, I nod.

“Good. I think this is a good time to call it a night. I’m sorry we got into a subject you weren’t ready for.”

“We have to do it sometime,” I tell her amicably.

“You’re right. And, we will go into it more when the timing is right. For now, go home to your husband and little girl and just try to relax.”

“Thanks, Doc. Next week?”

“I’ll be here,” she smiles. “Goodnight, Eve.”

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Greetings from Italy!

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by Eve Sumptor in Uncategorized

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Tags

Adam, art, Bella, Eve, Italy, Lainey, magnificent sculpture

I’ll be missing my session due to the fact that Lainey and I are in Italy! It’s late here, but I thought I’d drop in for a moment to say hello. Italy has been wonderful. The weather is great, and the art is even better. We’ve procured four wonderful pieces so far, including a magnificent sculpture from a local artist that is looking to expand in the US. I have a good feeling about this artist.

Lainey is missing her family, which I understand completely since I miss Adam and Bella terribly. But we’re determined to make the best out of our trip. We have one more full day here, and after an early meeting with an art dealer, we will hit some of the museums. And, of course, shop! If I don’t bring something back for Princess Bella she will never forgive her mama!

Okay, signing off for now. I have an overwhelming need to call my husband.

Ciao!

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